Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Guest Post: The Yellow Bastard

After a few beers on Sunday FunDay, I convinced a few single lady friends to be new guest post contributors. Here's a story from one of them.

This is my first and only Match experience in Chicago.

He was somewhat cute, seemed intelligent, and had pictures of himself with friends (a definite must to claim normalcy). His messages were a perfect mix of information and questions to keep the conversation going, and he seemed like he had a great sense of humor. So after a few days, he asked me to meet him at a pub for a drink. We lived on complete opposite sides of the city (~15 miles apart), and he picked a place that was very easy for me to get to, even though it was not easy for him. There was no awkwardness when we arrived, so we decided to have dinner too. Conversation was great. As we got close to dessert, his phone would not stop ringing (it was on vibrate), so he asked if it were ok if he checked who was calling. It was his mother, and he again asked permission to call her back since she had called so many timesall perfectly reasonable things to do. He called her back, mostly listened, and then said he would call her back tomorrow. He then excused himself from the table and was gone for over 20 minutes! He came back looking a little pale, said everything was fine, but was much quieter the rest of dinner. He walked me to the bus, asked if we could see each other again, and kissed me goodnight. Other than the long, inexplicable disappearance from the table, it was a great first date.

We planned for drinks only as a second date since we were both extremely busy during the next week. This time we picked a place that was centrally located between us. He immediately explained to me what happened at dinner. His mother's frequent calls were her calling to tell him that she had Stage 4 cancer with a life expectancy of about eight months. He then proceeded to cry uncontrollably in the bar, and I had no idea what to do. We decided to call it a night and agreed we would reschedule for a better time. It was not the right time for him to get to know someone new. He needed to spend time with his mom.

So fast forward to about two months, after no communication, he called me to ask if he could try for a third time to show me a better first date. His mom had found out that he was on a date when she told him and insisted that he still live his life as her "dying wish." That is not exactly easy to say no to, and since he was such a gentleman and extremely respectful about everything so far, I agreed. He asked me to meet him for dinner at one of my favorite restaurants and then to go to a theater show nearby. Dinnerunbeknownst to mewas his birthday celebration with a few of his friends. It was a bit awkward, but they were all nice people and seemingly had no delusions about our dating status.

Following dinner, the two of us went to the late show alone. Being March in Chicago, the weather was comfortably in the 50s when we arrived, but when we came out of the show 90 minutes later, there was a freak ice storm. There was ice everywhere to the point that police were closing roads, taxis were no longer driving, etc. Since the show was late and the ice was so bad, the train also had already stopped running. There was no way I was getting home (~15 miles away) until the roads were treated. 

He only lived a few blocks away, so we went to his place to wait for the roads to be cleared. His roommate was home, and we hung out with him for a while. I was freezing (I was not dressed for the unexpected 30 degree weather), so we went into his room to get a sweatshirt for me. I sat at his desk looking at some pictures that he had displayed, and when I turned around, he had his pants completely off. And I mean both boxers and pants offshirt and socks still very much on. Note, at this point in time, we still had only kissed maybe twice and spent a total of less than 10 hours together! But the worst part was that what I saw was not normal in any way! Normally I would never share intimate details, but I was so caught off guard and creeped out by what I saw, I had to share with my closest friends to confirm that what I saw was in fact not normal. This is how he was nicknamed the Yellow Bastard.

To say the least, being stuck there for a few hours was insanely awkward, and we did not see each other again.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

You Make Me Sick

Sometimes men contact me online that make me not only recoil in utter disgust, but also gitty with desire to share, on this blog, just how creepy they truly are.

Recently, I had the pleasure/terror of being contacted by one such individual. We'll call him Marv.

Marv winked me. Upon glancing at his profile, I knew he was blog material.

First of all, he lives in Kansas City, Missouri. Just to clarify, I live in Boston, Massachusetts. What is it with me and weirdos who are willing to travel to creep me out.

Secondly, Marv says he's 36. Marv is clearly at least 46.

Marv's pictures, all 15 of them, feature various styles of "dad jeans" (think "mom jeans," but for men), male-pattern baldness, and nuns. There are shots of Marv at the gym (which he took with his camera phone), topless (again, a self-portrait), and slumped over in bed not facing the camera (fully clothed, thank goodness).

Finally, I will leave you with this magical gem:

Icebreaker I feel obligated to tell you. I suffer from a rare disease goodlookinitis i have it all over my body and it is contagious. I thought you should know before you read on. (Disclaimer, this is just a joke, do not take seriously) lol .

It is just too bad that I don't live in Missouri. lol .

Saturday, September 20, 2014

Ready to Recommit (to Blogging)

I have been meaning to do this for quite some time, and a Saturday night home alone in pajamas, drinking wine and watching Netflix, has finally caused a catalyst. Rejoice, world, I am yet again ready to write shamelessly about my dating life (or lack thereof).

I have had many friends yell at me about restarting the blog. "Jen, your dating life is so pathetic... You need to be blogging. It's hilarious." OK... to be fair, they didn't say that exactly, and it's true: I have quite a few stories to share. The last few months/years, I have been either too busy or just plain unmotivated to write in this blog. I got a great new job that is actually intellectually and creatively challenging, so this outlet was less urgent. However, the ebb and flow of dates has swirled me around as if I was a dingy in a hurricane, and I have finally come ashore. I am finally ready to be Jim Cantore and report back to HQ on the storm. And perhaps by reading my blog, another single soul will find solace in the fact that they are not the only one dating total weirdos. I am their sister in pathetic dating. Perhaps I will one day be the Mother Theresa of online dating.

OK, I think I have exhausted my metaphors for one evening; I promise to write more soon.

As for now, does anyone have any recommendations for Netflix?

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Dating Tip #4

If you're a member of Match, you know that the site provides you with Daily Matches, a group of potential mates that its "special algorithm" picks for you.  They claim that these matches are "personalized."  However, I believe that this "algorithm" is just a bored scientist throwing darts at a wall full of pictures of other Match members.  The logic seems minimal considering that as an EDITOR by trade, which is indicated in my profile, I have in the past received suggested matches with the following "About Me" sections:

Just someone fun gorgeous faithful that's down for what not stuck up at all like to be outside with ds weather its good and is will to let a man be a man and she can handle me down and she takes care of business


im a very nice guy looking for someone to chill and get to know them and go on dates. i would like to get merryed one day, one we go on dates and get to know eachother then go to the next step in to the dateing part xoxo

These atrocities on the English language bring us to my next dating tip:

Dating Tip #4:  Use Your Words Wisely

Imagine that you're going to a bar (or "da club") in the hopes of picking someone up, but the bar is the internets, an online dating site to be exact.  Instead of dressing in your finest threads, you want to write a description of yourself that is as attractive as possible.  Obviously, you don't want to lie, but form a complete sentence!!  Use proper grammar.  SPELL CHECK!!  Not doing these things is like not showering or failing to put on deodorant before you head out to mingle.  That run-on sentence is like not brushing your teeth, and that misspelled word is missing a button on your shirt.  Fellas, women like when you put in a little effort... and when they can understand what the hell you're saying.

Don't believe me?  Check out this article about a survey that found that 43% of singles find bad grammar to be a turnoff.

Monday, February 18, 2013

Training Day

I have been lazy about blogging lately.  There are a few factors to blame for this.  First, winter has sucked out a lot of my creativity.  Apparently, I need more sunshine to be my hilarious self.  Second, things have been a bit slow in the dating department for me.  I decided that for my own sanity's sake, I needed to take a little break from online dating for a while.  I took down my profiles and tried to keep myself from looking at the sites.  I wanted a stockpile of fresh meat when I logged on next.

Finally, and most importantly, I have recently signed up for HBO.  My nonworking life now revolves around streaming its various series in a slightly/completely obsessive manner, because they are just SO good.  I am extremely ashamed at how quickly I got through Game of Thrones.  Unfortunately, it will likely take me a titch longer to read the 4,000 or so pages in the books that I downloaded to my iPad shortly after I finished the series.  I'm on about page 115 after a few weeks, so I'm sure I'll finish by the time I'm 35 or 40.

I also ate up most of Girls in a day, and now I'm onto The Wire.  The Wire is amazing.  The story lines are interesting and complex, and it gives you a well-rounded view of drugs in the inner city.  Hailing from Maryland, I like to pretend that I somehow identify with the show since my grandma sometimes has a Ballmore (a.k.a. Baltimore) accent and because I used to feed the homeless there.

Despite my obsession, the show did lead me to break my short hiatus from online dating and, in turn, inspired me to write this blog entry.  Why?  How?

Two words:  Jimmy McNulty.

Played by the Dominic West, Jimmy is the adorable asshole to whom many women, including myself, are drawn.  He's just super, duper hot.  Smart.  Vulnerable.  Good looking.  So after a few too many hours of staring at his cute mug, I thought to myself, "Perhaps there is a Boston version of Jimmy McNulty... and perhaps, he's on OKCupid."

So I fired up my computer and signed on.  I started searching for new members, hoping to find my Irish bad boy with a heart of gold.  Instead, I found "FuckYourTrainer" (yes, that is his actual screen name).  Here's his self summary:

You'll either 'get this' or you won't...for the 1% that does in fact 'get it', say hello.

Face pics hidden due to nature of this profile. Happy to share, I'm no ogre...


I'm looking for fit women who want to act out a personal trainer-client roleplay. You MUST already be in shape to do this. I know this is a common fantasy for women (and trainers), but I refuse to act on it within the confines of my business where people are paying for my services.

I run a small exercise facility on the South Shore, but also have full workout setup at my house. You will receive a REAL, high quality workout each time you train with me. I don't fuck around with that part of the equation; you'll be literally rubber legged and rubber limbed - but you'll also get fucked after each workout...

Requirements include you having a hard body, and looking GREAT in a pair of yoga pants. And out of them.

Lot's of options here:

- Physical assessment prior to commencing workout, consisting of measurements and flexibility tests...which of course consist of me being rather hands on...perhaps more hands on than usually found at the gym.
- To really feel things in the proper areas, I've found it helps to have my hands on the target muscle group(s). As you can imagine, this is interesting with chest exercises, or various squats/lunges.
- I'm quite certain that the aforementioned various squats and lunges work better with the aforementioned yoga pants no longer on you...be prepared. Not much sexier than a woman with just a tank top and sneakers on...

All in all, this should be FUN. I'm a normal guy, small biz owner - you'll probably LIKE me. But at the moment I'm just looking to have some guilt free fun...
This is no Jimmy.

There were no Jimmy's.  So my hiatus is back in effect.  Don't worry about the blog too much, though; I have a library of old horrifying stories that still need to be told.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Guest Post: The Poetic Verses of Love

I love guest posts!  Not only do I get to take some time off from writing the bulk of my posts, but they also remind me that I am not the only one slogging through the trenches of online dating.  Last week, I got an e-mail from a friend; she has recently rejoined Match.com and has already received a "very special" e-mail.  I'd like to call it a poem of sorts.  Here's how she introduced it:

Read it out loud for full effect. Try not to pee yourself.

Here's the e-mail.

I'd like to meet and begin a friendship
For a good positive talk, I consider myself a balanced man
I am looking for the love of my life, a woman initially with a good
I love looking after my body and mind through exercise and various sports
Lately I'm practicing tennis, hiking and visiting the naturaleza
Taking good habits and good costumbres and weigh my positive life
I like to dress as the occasion is and weekends with sportswear
To share the day with people, in harmony with life and nature
You are a very interesting person
In the paradise of your eyes,
I lose because I'm lost
at peace with your lips,
I feel that I am with you
in the universe of your soul,
I live a thousand ways
in you, live in love, dreaming of you
Have sweet dreams and I'm sending you a big hug
My Skype = XXXXXXX
Mail : XXXXX
I just peed a little.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Text MESSaging

I am, at times, my own worst enemy, and so, I have come up with little tricks in an attempt to avoid looking like a total idiot, boy-obsessed teenage girl, and/or crazy cat lady.  I am not any of these things, but sometimes (i.e., under the influence of a few cocktails), I can display associated behaviors.

One such trick is deleting a suitor's number if he fails to contact me for a week.  An old roommate taught me this tactic, and I will forever be grateful.  Her logic?  What's the point of keeping his digits in your phone when your "Ms. Hyde" side could access it at any moment of weakness.  I do try to remember the first few digits, though, just in case he pops up again.  A girl has to hold on to a little hope.

Accordingly, a while back, I deleted the number of a certain "Fake-Out Artist".  We had had a great first date, but then he gave me the fade out.  It sucked, but he had his flaws and was easy enough to forget.  At least, that's what I thought...

Fast forward to the Sunday after Thanksgiving.  While hanging out with my parents, I received a text from a number that was not saved in my phone but which I slightly recognized.  Here's how the conversation progressed (with some omissions of the completely boring and mundane texts, as well as comments... also ignore the poor grammar/punctuation):

Him:  Hiya
Me:  Hey ya. Who is this? Sorry. My phone deleted some contacts. (I am smooth.)
Him:  How bout a hint? (I knew who it was at this point... The dude in question thought he was quite witty and teasing; however, he mostly came off as annoying.)
Me:  Please.
Him:  You spent 3 nights in the last 2 weeks at My place (This is in no way accurate, as confirmed by my response.)
Me:  Well that's interesting since the only place I've slept in the last 2 weeks, other than my bed, is my parents' house. (SNAP!!)
Him:  You mean you don't remember?  Well I must beg to differ. So I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree?
Me:  I would imagine that I would remember that... Unless it was pretty unmemorable. (As someone who is in no way ballsy, I am quite proud of my sass in these texts.)
Him:  I'm not sure what you're suggesting... But I think that's why we're agreeing to disagree?
Me:  Still not sure who I'm agreeing to disagree with... And I'm not sure that you're sure who I am either. (I was certain that he had f*ed up and contacted me by mistake.)
Him:  You're Jen!  (So, either he realized his mistake and tried to play it cool... or he has another explanation below.)
Me:  Yup. But who is this?
Him:  I haven't given you enough hints?
--- (I'm cutting out some BS here where I essentially figured out for sure that he was the Fake Out Artist... I will call him "Mike," as I think that is his name.  My memory is not the best, and it had been over a month.) ---
Me:  Oh well... how are things? Been a while. I assume pretty well if you have a lady spending the night 3 times in the last 2 weeks. (Again, so proud of myself!!!)
Him:  Well, you claim I haven't... Overall I been good. Busy like a mofo. And unforgivingly awol... Pleasantly surprised you're responding since I sucked for the last while.
Me:  Well I definitely wasn't sure who you were at first, and I was intrigued after your claims.
Him:  I'm glad you were intrigued and not freaked out.
Me:  I still kinda think you meant to text another girl, but I am intrigued
Him:  Wednesday night reunion?  I knew who I was texting. I barely even slept in my own bed over the last 2 weeks. There wasn't no guests. Worked out well to break/re-break the ice though.

I should state that answering him in the first place was not the wisest move on my part, but I saw it as entertainment.  And when we continued to chat, I told myself that I had to see it through "for blog purposes."  I'll totally admit that some part of me also hoped that things would work out and one day we'd laugh about that awkward "joke" he used to get in touch with me again... Stupid hope!

And so we started texting each other again quite regularly.  Well actually, more than regularly... he texted me all the damn time for a few weeks.  We never did have that Wednesday night date.  Why?  He had a FUNERAL to go to?!  I believed him, as I assumed only a monster would make up a funeral.

However, my patience grew thin rather quickly.  I am not on the hunt for a digital pen pal, so when he failed to reschedule our date but continued to text me daily, I asked him about it directly.  He sang me some song about how I was playing hard to get (by asking him out??) and went on to say that he was too busy that week.  It was all a load of bull, and I enacted a text-based fade out.

After I finish writing this blog, his number will be deleted once again, hopefully never to return to my phone again.

Friday, December 7, 2012

Guest Post: Mesmerized by Your Ass-cot

Sometimes I think that I have bad dates, and then I speak to my friend, Scoops, and realize that my life could be much worse:  I could be going on her dates.  While she's totally awesome and funny, she's managed to go out with some real "winners," so I always beg her for stories for this blog.  On a recent morning, I received an e-mail titled, "I went on a date with a 12 year old."  I knew it was going to be a gem, and I was right:

I just realized that I have a shit ton of work to do, but I felt that reporting on last night's date was a first priority.  I am considering canceling my OKC account as a result.  Also, this is long, because I'm apparently very detail oriented when it comes to these things!

Last night, I went to see the Silver Linings Playbook, the new Bradley Cooper flick.  I highly recommend it! In fact, the movie was great, and I thoroughly enjoyed it despite the fact that the company made me want to hide in my down coat. 

I must admit, I was not thoroughly excited about meeting up with this fella.  The first date last Sunday was underwhelming, but I was willing to give him a second chance given that I've been on so many dates with so-called "cool hipster babes," and they've always ended up being douchey.  I arrived at the theater, and he was very happy to see me!  He gave me a very enthusiastic hug.  All I could notice, however, was his khaki pants that looked like they'd been purchased for him by his mother when he was in middle school.  About 4 to 5 inches too short.  He was also wearing Airwalks.  I try not to be so judgy about outfits these days, but high waters and cargo pants are a definite no-no!  Anyway, we went to buy tickets.  He paid, so he does get points for that. 

He noticed that I was carrying a book by one of my favorite authors, Tom Perrotta. I will also give him points for trying to engage in conversation about it, and even asking if he was the guy that wrote Little Children (another fabulous book in my opinion).  I said in fact it is, and he launched into anecdote that was incredibly boring.  I'm pretty sure I heard crickets chirping. 

Him: Fun fact. Tom Perrotta wrote that book after getting into a car accident on 495.
Me: Cool.

I really had nothing more to say to that as Little Children is about a woman so unhappy and resentful in her marriage that she has an emotional and physical affair with another man who is equally unhappy in his marriage.  Basically, that boring anecdote was neither here nor there. 

We go into the theater and are forced to chat before the previews begin.  He asked me how my weekend was.  I actually had a fabulous weekend, because I had a friend in town and had gone to a concert on Friday night.  In fact, my weekend was quite action-packed and full of delicious eats, booze, and dancing that I actually had something to say.  I then asked him what he did with his friend that had been visiting him:  the aquarium.

OK, I'm not saying the aquarium isn't cool or a great activity, but he had his best buddy from college visiting for approximately 48 hours, and all they did was go to the aquarium?  Again with the crickets chirping.  He did not mention a single other activity and thus made me feel: (1) like a bit more of a wild child than I really am and (2) kind of like an alcoholic. 

Other highlights:

Him:  I really like your...ascot?  Is that what that's called?
Me:  It's a scarf.
Him:  Oh.  I don't really know much about fashion.

Immediately after the lights went down, his arm was around my shoulder.  It was so obvious that he felt like that's what he was supposed to do that it made me cringe.  He also removed it 5 minutes later after realizing it was an uncomfortable position and then went for my hand.  He kept switching back and forth between the arm around the shoulder and the hand holding for the entire 2 hours of the movie, that I found it to be an annoying distraction! I know.  I'm being very hard on him, but I really just wanted to watch Bradley Cooper in all of his hotness and not deal with this awkward forced physical contact.  Throughout the entire movie I was even plotting how I was going to let him down easily at the end of the night, rather than my usual text message of "I'm sorry, I just didn't see any sparks". 

As he's walking me back to Park Street:

Him: I had a really great time with you tonight.
Me: Uh huh, me too.
Him: Awwwwwwwwwww.  You're shy!  You're blushing!  You're so cute.  I really like that.
Me: You know, I'm not really a shy person...
Him: Well, I would love to go out again.
Me: Sure... just get in touch.

I am the worst.  I couldn't even just grow a pair and gently spit in his face.  Oh well.  At least I have my planned text break-up!

She followed up with this G-Chat convo:

SCOOPS:  we saw a preview for the new tarantino movie
so i asked him if he liked him... just making conversation
and he was like... yea i do, but i really don't like that he uses so many references to pop culture--
(pop culture is my reason for living...so...there's that)
also, i felt really awkward making eye contact with him when we were sitting in the theater b/c we were sitting side by side
so i just didn't...and then he was like, oh are you really mesmerized by the commercials?

Monday, December 3, 2012

Pick Your Poison

Since I started this blog and confirmed that I am quite the online-dating veteran, I have been asked one question several times from various friends who are thinking about delving into the internets to find love:

Which site is the best?

This question is rich and complex, as everyone will have a different answer.  The opinions below are based on my experiences, and a more lucky lady/fella may have great luck on a site that I would describe as a pit of loneliness.  And trust me, ladies, you will find Captain Crazy and his League of Incredibly Disappointing Gentlemen, just as dudes will find a good amount of daddy issues and crazy cat ladies, on all your options, but I do think some sites have more winners for some. 

I'll start with where I started many years ago:  Match.  For me, Match has seemed to have the most legit characters.  Most of my dates have been with dudes from Match, but based on this blog, that may not be saying very much.  I enjoy that you can search based on height.  The pitfalls?  It's pricey, and more than once, I've forgotten to cancel my account before they've automatically charged my card to renew my membership. 

OKCupid is by far the most entertaining of the options.  Why?  Bulk.  OKCupid is free, so a lot of people use it... and when I say "people," I mean weirdos.  Most of the e-mails I post on this blog are from OKCupid.  To be fair, I have gone out with a dude or two from this site, and I really enjoy the quizzes, which help them match you to potential suitors.  This option also allows you to search based on height, a feature that many short male members don't seem to use.  I get so many messages from guys 5'9" and below on this site.

eHarmony is another popular option.  I am not a fan.  The reason why is a bit selfishly motivated.  You see, eHarmony doesn't consider height to be a dealbreaker.  In other words, even if I rank height above 6'0" as "very, very important," the site will still send me guys shorter than that... much shorter.  My guess is that they assume that height is too petty to be a dealbreaker.  However, it's not petty for little ol' me (pun intended)... it's practical.  Despite my experience, I do know some normal-sized friends who have had good luck on the site.

By far the WORST site I've ever tried was TallFriends.  I really should have known... The only men on this site are short dudes with tall-girl fetishes, which is just not for me.  It gives me the creeps.

As for the other options, I can't weigh in, but I will say that I've heard mixed reviews of JDate.  Part of me really wants to try ChristianMingle, only because the commercials are so corny.

What site do/did you use?  Answer the survey below, and comment on this post with your thoughts.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Redonk E-Mail Roundup: Hide and Seek

I get some good e-mails while online dating.  Here are a few of my current faves:

 ;::hi :) - In an e-mail that amounted to only 8 characters, he has managed to utilize not only poor/nonsensical punctuation, but also an emoticon. :(

Wow, your over 6 feet. That's hot. Wow - Apparently, my height inspires both awe and grammar fails.

Hey, what's up? How is your Thursday night going? 58% okcupid-based matching isn't too bad, right? :)) - Actually, since it's out of 100, I'd say that's failing.  Also, your emoticon has a double chin.

Are you a spelling bee contender or a dictionary sales person? - Listen up fella:  I like an inventive and fun opening line, but what does this even mean?  Oh and your 5'9."

Hey are you looking for a friend with benefits? - At least he's direct?!

Where have you been hiding omg you are so beautiful? I like the smile and want to know.
Do you know how to swim, fish, dance or have you ever been to Texas
- Shit... He found me.  I need to find a better hiding place.

Sure, I may still be single, but at least I'm entertained.