My "Virgin" Post

Where's the best place for me to start? Well, with a virgin, of course. A virgin from Illinois who LOVES kissing (according to his profile).

I'm not sure why a virgin from Illinois is into me, but he’s “winked” me twice now.

-- Quick side note for all of you online dating dummies: “Winking” is a way on Match.com to show interest in someone without really having to write them an e-mail. To be honest, I’m not sure why exactly they chose for people to “wink” at each other since most of the dudes who wink at me in real life are homeless, old, and/or greasy. --

Well, anyways, this poor virgin never really piqued my interest. I don’t have an issue with virgins. I was one. This one just didn’t rub me the right way. Maybe it’s because he lives hundreds of miles away. Maybe it’s because his profile is as long as a short novel. (He covers everything from his favorite beers to the fact that he is “a deep thinker with a gifted mind.”) Or maybe it’s because he uses creepy smiley faces to cover his friends’ faces in his profile pictures.

Well, apparently unanswered winks will not throw off a virgin from Illinois. The other day, I received this e-mail (titled “prolegomena”):

“Hey. :) My name is Aaron. I'm intrigued.

You want to be a writer? Me too. What do you write? What's your list of books you wish to pen?

If you were out driving, slowly, along a river, and you drove over a bolt that punctured your two right tires, and your car gently pulled to the right and hit a guardrail and stopped, and you got out of your car to survey the damage, and you noticed something yellow and shiny in the hole where from the post of the guardrail had dislodged, and you hand-excavated it and it was a magic lamp, and you rubbed it the right way and a genie emerged and offered to grant you three wishes, except this genie was shrewder than other genies and added a clause to the verbal contract that prevented any of your three wishes from being used to wish for more wishes, what would you wish for?

-- -- --

If you don't want to be handled like a delicate flower, would you rather be handled like a cactus?

;)

-Aaron”

Yea… I’m not really sure what more to say, other than I’d like to be handled like a fern, personally. But that’s just me.