Dino-Might?

Prepare to be shocked and amazed...

Sometimes when I'm online dating, I encounter individuals who may be sane. Even stranger, they seem normal and kind of cute, and their profiles make me chuckle. They don't list Nickelback as their favorite band, and their pictures actually feature other people, which makes me assume that they may have friends. My hopes start to rise. I think "Wait... has this not all been in vain?! Might I actually have met a gent that I would actually like to DATE through ONLINE DATING." This is usually... if not always... a mistake on my part.

Case in point: Dino. I call him Dino, as he has admitted to playing with dinosaur toys before. He even sent me a picture once over text of a T-Rex figurine, which I promptly sent to a few friends with a big ol' "WTF is this guy sending me pictures of toys for?!"

But to give him some credit, he is an elementary school science teacher, so I wrote it off as kind of cute (oh hope... how you blind us).

Dino seemed like an OK guy from Match. We exchanged e-mails and then numbers, and he'd text me all the time. Like daily... Like multiple times a day. So yes, I came to believe that we'd be going out on a real date in no time...

Except weeks later, we had never met up. Still lots of texts, but no date. Finally, I broke down and asked him out myself. I know this is a lame move on my part, but I'm a "cut to the chase" kind of girl, for better or for worse.

Then what?

NOTHING! Crickets. Nada.

Until...

I got drunk a few weeks later and decided to text him.

Woops!

BUT... He answered, and the cycle started back up again. We texted, I got annoyed at the pointless texting, I asked him out, he went silent.

My only excuse is boredom, and the fact that he seemed like a nice guy (boy really). However, when I ruined my phone while kayaking, I decided that it was for the best. I didn't want to bother with a guy who was scared to meet me in person. A dead phone with a lost number was a great way to cut my losses and leave the table.

Until...

I checked my e-mail last night and saw that he found me on OKCupid?! We instant messaged each other, and he invited me to the Aquarium today??? I had to work, as most functioning adults do, so it was a no go. We ended our chat with him inviting me to "drunk text" him anytime...

That was just about the time that I realized that our acquaintance was extinct.

Redonk E-Mail Roundup: "Holy Softness"

I get some good e-mails while online dating. Here are a few of my current faves:

What has 4 legs and has a great time? Us on a date. - If you are going to use a joke, please make it a good one!

hey sweetgirl , how are u doing ? really u'v got a very nice pic with great looking :) please keep smiling :) - As an editor, I sure do love a man who knows how to spell.

Hi my name is kevin and live symphony, boston. I just came here one year ago and live by myself in studio. I'm currently a student majoring in management. If you don't mind, can I know your number? I think you are so beautiful. My number is XXX XXX XXXX - I do mind actually, but thanks for giving me, A COMPLETE STRANGER, your phone number.

Hi .. how do you feel about older/shorter guys? - I gotta be honest: I don't feel too great about them, especially you.

Hello miss. May I ask what your interest is in editing? I worked as a journalist for a couple of years, and the revising part was always the hardest. Many times Ive had to cut out gold to meet the word counts. Whatre your goals? - Is this a job interview??

I hope that I'm not being so forward by saying this, But browsing your profile made me feel a little attracted to you and to be directly honest you are that type of woman that attracts most of men and make any man think: "holy softness!!! This is a woman that I definitely want to end up with"... - I honestly don't even know how to respond to this one.

I really can't make this shit up.

Guest Post: Capture the Flag

This guest post is from a friend with some of my FAVORITE online dating stories. This one is quite hilarious!

When I was living in Seattle I went on a few dates with this guy named Alex. I was also actually dating my co-worker (who was also named Alex), but he wasn't treating me so well, so I resorted to going out with an alternate Alex. He wasn't my type at all, but another co-worker convinced me that I had bad taste in men and that he was actually really hot. He was super tall and very broad with a shaved head. Since I had never been in a relationship with a larger male before, I decided to give it a go. Our first date was fine, we just went out to dinner. I'm pretty sure he paid. I decided to give him a second chance since he seemed nice enough, even though I wasn't sure I was 100% attracted to him.

He texted me later that week and asked if I wanted to meet up with him and his friends for a big outdoor game of capture the flag. My first thought was, "Whaaaaat, no! That is incredibly awkward and sounds like the last thing I would ever want to do! Right?!" My co-worker (the one who convinced me that I had bad taste) then convinced me that capture the flag sounded like so much fun! And kudos to him for thinking of a creative second date! I told her I would only go if she went with me, and she agreed. Side note: I went to pick her up before the big game and, for some reason, decided to wear Chucks and 80s style running shorts with leggings underneath. She made me change immediately. We arrive at the site, and my date, the lovely, large Alex, basically ignored me! He did not speak to me the entire time except at the beginning to offer me a beer and some other bbq items. The whole thing was a little ridiculous, and I was so glad that I had at least brought a friend or I don't know how I would have navigated that incredibly awkward social situation!

It gets better.

I expected to never hear from this fellow ever again since he had basically snubbed me during our capture the flag rendezvous! Lo and behold, he texted me asking if I wanted to meet up for ice cream later that evening. I think I was particularly mad at my co-worker Alex for doing something typically douchey, so I agreed to meet up with Big Alex. We got our ice cream and were walking around the 'hood, and all of a sudden he said to me out of the blue, "What are your thoughts on homeless people? I just can't stand them; all they do is pan handle and try to take your money." Huh?!? Keep in mind I was doing an Americorps program at the time whose mission was to fight poverty. I was also living off of $930 per month and food stamps. I didn't even want to ask him his thoughts on SNAP benefits. Also, who says that? That's just weird. I should have gone home at that point, but he had picked me up and we were kind of far from my apartment. After that awkward exchange, he asked me if I wanted to go back to his place and watch a movie. My ridiculous self agreed, mostly because I'm just really bad at confrontation. We went back to his place and watched Dirty Work with Norm MacDonald. Que romantico. Literally as soon as the movie was over, he dimmed the lights and put on Bob Marley's Greatest Hits with a remote. THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED. He attempted to make out with me, and he was the worst kisser that I have ever encountered! At that point, the whole thing was just too ridiculous. I asked him to drive me home, and I washed my hands of Alex2.

Honey Boo Hoo

After an extended absence, you are likely assuming that the weirdo who drove me to write this post is a special breed of crazy... and of course, you would be correct.

Last night, while enjoying cocktails with a few single ladies and discussing the ills of online dating, I received an e-mail from a gentleman. All it said was "Hi." Poetically simple. Even more simple than the OTHER two e-mails that he has sent me in the last 3 days, both of which said "Hi honey." I have never e-mailed a response.

His e-mails were not what made him newsworthy, however. His profile is what drove me to write this post. First, he's from Albany, so I'm not even sure why I'm on his radar. Second, as I prepared to write this post, I noticed that he was last online at 4:53 a.m., which seems an odd time to be surfing the interwebs for a date. Thirdly, his picture revealed a face that looked as if it might belong to a pedophile. But what really stunk of crazy was the actual content of his profile. It was so ludicrous, so poorly written, so completely full of obvious lies, that I felt it must be featured in this blog. Here are some of it's finer points:

• I workout 6 days a week , pump iron and walk 5 miles a day.
• I am into vitamins and herbs and good whole foods.
• I like to ride horses when i can .
• i am veteran U.S. army 101st airborne, secret and top secret security clearance.
• I play guitar and sing and also a song writer and I also write screenplays.
• I am into helping people which gives me sense of purpose.
• i am a mechanic and auto body mechanic and i restore classic cars and sell them, i also own rental property.
• I am also an actor and i have acted in films in California, i have one agent in nyc.
• I have studied law , no i do not have a law degree, but i do not need one.
• I am looking for a good friend , perhaps a loving caring relationship if i can find her and just maybe she will look at me with loving eye's and say to me, your really swell,,,,,LOL

I think the "LOL" at the end is my favorite part...