Dating Tip #4

If you're a member of Match, you know that the site provides you with Daily Matches, a group of potential mates that its "special algorithm" picks for you.  They claim that these matches are "personalized."  However, I believe that this "algorithm" is just a bored scientist throwing darts at a wall full of pictures of other Match members.  The logic seems minimal considering that as an EDITOR by trade, which is indicated in my profile, I have in the past received suggested matches with the following "About Me" sections:

Just someone fun gorgeous faithful that's down for what not stuck up at all like to be outside with ds weather its good and is will to let a man be a man and she can handle me down and she takes care of business

******

im a very nice guy looking for someone to chill and get to know them and go on dates. i would like to get merryed one day, one we go on dates and get to know eachother then go to the next step in to the dateing part xoxo

These atrocities on the English language bring us to my next dating tip:

Dating Tip #4:  Use Your Words Wisely

Imagine that you're going to a bar (or "da club") in the hopes of picking someone up, but the bar is the internets, an online dating site to be exact.  Instead of dressing in your finest threads, you want to write a description of yourself that is as attractive as possible.  Obviously, you don't want to lie, but form a complete sentence!!  Use proper grammar.  SPELL CHECK!!  Not doing these things is like not showering or failing to put on deodorant before you head out to mingle.  That run-on sentence is like not brushing your teeth, and that misspelled word is missing a button on your shirt.  Fellas, women like when you put in a little effort... and when they can understand what the hell you're saying.

Don't believe me?  Check out this article about a survey that found that 43% of singles find bad grammar to be a turnoff.

Training Day

I have been lazy about blogging lately.  There are a few factors to blame for this.  First, winter has sucked out a lot of my creativity.  Apparently, I need more sunshine to be my hilarious self.  Second, things have been a bit slow in the dating department for me.  I decided that for my own sanity's sake, I needed to take a little break from online dating for a while.  I took down my profiles and tried to keep myself from looking at the sites.  I wanted a stockpile of fresh meat when I logged on next.

Finally, and most importantly, I have recently signed up for HBO.  My nonworking life now revolves around streaming its various series in a slightly/completely obsessive manner, because they are just SO good.  I am extremely ashamed at how quickly I got through Game of Thrones.  Unfortunately, it will likely take me a titch longer to read the 4,000 or so pages in the books that I downloaded to my iPad shortly after I finished the series.  I'm on about page 115 after a few weeks, so I'm sure I'll finish by the time I'm 35 or 40.

I also ate up most of Girls in a day, and now I'm onto The Wire.  The Wire is amazing.  The story lines are interesting and complex, and it gives you a well-rounded view of drugs in the inner city.  Hailing from Maryland, I like to pretend that I somehow identify with the show since my grandma sometimes has a Ballmore (a.k.a. Baltimore) accent and because I used to feed the homeless there.

Despite my obsession, the show did lead me to break my short hiatus from online dating and, in turn, inspired me to write this blog entry.  Why?  How?

Two words:  Jimmy McNulty.

Played by the Dominic West, Jimmy is the adorable asshole to whom many women, including myself, are drawn.  He's just super, duper hot.  Smart.  Vulnerable.  Good looking.  So after a few too many hours of staring at his cute mug, I thought to myself, "Perhaps there is a Boston version of Jimmy McNulty... and perhaps, he's on OKCupid."

So I fired up my computer and signed on.  I started searching for new members, hoping to find my Irish bad boy with a heart of gold.  Instead, I found "FuckYourTrainer" (yes, that is his actual screen name).  Here's his self summary:

You'll either 'get this' or you won't...for the 1% that does in fact 'get it', say hello.

Face pics hidden due to nature of this profile. Happy to share, I'm no ogre...

------------------------------

I'm looking for fit women who want to act out a personal trainer-client roleplay. You MUST already be in shape to do this. I know this is a common fantasy for women (and trainers), but I refuse to act on it within the confines of my business where people are paying for my services.

I run a small exercise facility on the South Shore, but also have full workout setup at my house. You will receive a REAL, high quality workout each time you train with me. I don't fuck around with that part of the equation; you'll be literally rubber legged and rubber limbed - but you'll also get fucked after each workout...

Requirements include you having a hard body, and looking GREAT in a pair of yoga pants. And out of them.

Lot's of options here:

- Physical assessment prior to commencing workout, consisting of measurements and flexibility tests...which of course consist of me being rather hands on...perhaps more hands on than usually found at the gym.
- To really feel things in the proper areas, I've found it helps to have my hands on the target muscle group(s). As you can imagine, this is interesting with chest exercises, or various squats/lunges.
- I'm quite certain that the aforementioned various squats and lunges work better with the aforementioned yoga pants no longer on you...be prepared. Not much sexier than a woman with just a tank top and sneakers on...

All in all, this should be FUN. I'm a normal guy, small biz owner - you'll probably LIKE me. But at the moment I'm just looking to have some guilt free fun...

This is no Jimmy.

There were no Jimmy's.  So my hiatus is back in effect.  Don't worry about the blog too much, though; I have a library of old horrifying stories that still need to be told.

Guest Post: The Poetic Verses of Love

I love guest posts!  Not only do I get to take some time off from writing the bulk of my posts, but they also remind me that I am not the only one slogging through the trenches of online dating.  Last week, I got an e-mail from a friend; she has recently rejoined Match.com and has already received a "very special" e-mail.  I'd like to call it a poem of sorts.  Here's how she introduced it:

Read it out loud for full effect. Try not to pee yourself.

Here's the e-mail.

Hi,

I'd like to meet and begin a friendship
For a good positive talk, I consider myself a balanced man
I am looking for the love of my life, a woman initially with a good
friendship
I love looking after my body and mind through exercise and various sports
Lately I'm practicing tennis, hiking and visiting the naturaleza
Taking good habits and good costumbres and weigh my positive life
I like to dress as the occasion is and weekends with sportswear
To share the day with people, in harmony with life and nature
You are a very interesting person
In the paradise of your eyes,
I lose because I'm lost
at peace with your lips,
I feel that I am with you
in the universe of your soul,
I live a thousand ways
in you, live in love, dreaming of you
Have sweet dreams and I'm sending you a big hug

My Skype = XXXXXXX
Mail : XXXXX
@
Hotmail
com

I just peed a little.

Text MESSaging

I am, at times, my own worst enemy, and so, I have come up with little tricks in an attempt to avoid looking like a total idiot, boy-obsessed teenage girl, and/or crazy cat lady.  I am not any of these things, but sometimes (i.e., under the influence of a few cocktails), I can display associated behaviors.

One such trick is deleting a suitor's number if he fails to contact me for a week.  An old roommate taught me this tactic, and I will forever be grateful.  Her logic?  What's the point of keeping his digits in your phone when your "Ms. Hyde" side could access it at any moment of weakness.  I do try to remember the first few digits, though, just in case he pops up again.  A girl has to hold on to a little hope.

Accordingly, a while back, I deleted the number of a certain "Fake-Out Artist".  We had had a great first date, but then he gave me the fade out.  It sucked, but he had his flaws and was easy enough to forget.  At least, that's what I thought...

Fast forward to the Sunday after Thanksgiving.  While hanging out with my parents, I received a text from a number that was not saved in my phone but which I slightly recognized.  Here's how the conversation progressed (with some omissions of the completely boring and mundane texts, as well as comments... also ignore the poor grammar/punctuation):

Him:  Hiya
Me:  Hey ya. Who is this? Sorry. My phone deleted some contacts. (I am smooth.)
Him:  How bout a hint? (I knew who it was at this point... The dude in question thought he was quite witty and teasing; however, he mostly came off as annoying.)
Me:  Please.
Him:  You spent 3 nights in the last 2 weeks at My place (This is in no way accurate, as confirmed by my response.)
Me:  Well that's interesting since the only place I've slept in the last 2 weeks, other than my bed, is my parents' house. (SNAP!!)
Him:  You mean you don't remember?  Well I must beg to differ. So I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree?
Me:  I would imagine that I would remember that... Unless it was pretty unmemorable. (As someone who is in no way ballsy, I am quite proud of my sass in these texts.)
Him:  I'm not sure what you're suggesting... But I think that's why we're agreeing to disagree?
Me:  Still not sure who I'm agreeing to disagree with... And I'm not sure that you're sure who I am either. (I was certain that he had f*ed up and contacted me by mistake.)
Him:  You're Jen!  (So, either he realized his mistake and tried to play it cool... or he has another explanation below.)
Me:  Yup. But who is this?
Him:  I haven't given you enough hints?
--- (I'm cutting out some BS here where I essentially figured out for sure that he was the Fake Out Artist... I will call him "Mike," as I think that is his name.  My memory is not the best, and it had been over a month.) ---

Me:  Oh well... how are things? Been a while. I assume pretty well if you have a lady spending the night 3 times in the last 2 weeks. (Again, so proud of myself!!!)

Him:  Well, you claim I haven't... Overall I been good. Busy like a mofo. And unforgivingly awol... Pleasantly surprised you're responding since I sucked for the last while.

Me:  Well I definitely wasn't sure who you were at first, and I was intrigued after your claims.

Him:  I'm glad you were intrigued and not freaked out.

Me:  I still kinda think you meant to text another girl, but I am intrigued

Him:  Wednesday night reunion?  I knew who I was texting. I barely even slept in my own bed over the last 2 weeks. There wasn't no guests. Worked out well to break/re-break the ice though.

I should state that answering him in the first place was not the wisest move on my part, but I saw it as entertainment.  And when we continued to chat, I told myself that I had to see it through "for blog purposes."  I'll totally admit that some part of me also hoped that things would work out and one day we'd laugh about that awkward "joke" he used to get in touch with me again... Stupid hope!

And so we started texting each other again quite regularly.  Well actually, more than regularly... he texted me all the damn time for a few weeks.  We never did have that Wednesday night date.  Why?  He had a FUNERAL to go to?!  I believed him, as I assumed only a monster would make up a funeral.

However, my patience grew thin rather quickly.  I am not on the hunt for a digital pen pal, so when he failed to reschedule our date but continued to text me daily, I asked him about it directly.  He sang me some song about how I was playing hard to get (by asking him out??) and went on to say that he was too busy that week.  It was all a load of bull, and I enacted a text-based fade out.

After I finish writing this blog, his number will be deleted once again, hopefully never to return to my phone again.