Guest Post: Mesmerized by Your Ass-cot

Sometimes I think that I have bad dates, and then I speak to my friend, Scoops, and realize that my life could be much worse:  I could be going on her dates.  While she's totally awesome and funny, she's managed to go out with some real "winners," so I always beg her for stories for this blog.  On a recent morning, I received an e-mail titled, "I went on a date with a 12 year old."  I knew it was going to be a gem, and I was right:

I just realized that I have a shit ton of work to do, but I felt that reporting on last night's date was a first priority.  I am considering canceling my OKC account as a result.  Also, this is long, because I'm apparently very detail oriented when it comes to these things!

Last night, I went to see the Silver Linings Playbook, the new Bradley Cooper flick.  I highly recommend it! In fact, the movie was great, and I thoroughly enjoyed it despite the fact that the company made me want to hide in my down coat. 

I must admit, I was not thoroughly excited about meeting up with this fella.  The first date last Sunday was underwhelming, but I was willing to give him a second chance given that I've been on so many dates with so-called "cool hipster babes," and they've always ended up being douchey.  I arrived at the theater, and he was very happy to see me!  He gave me a very enthusiastic hug.  All I could notice, however, was his khaki pants that looked like they'd been purchased for him by his mother when he was in middle school.  About 4 to 5 inches too short.  He was also wearing Airwalks.  I try not to be so judgy about outfits these days, but high waters and cargo pants are a definite no-no!  Anyway, we went to buy tickets.  He paid, so he does get points for that. 

He noticed that I was carrying a book by one of my favorite authors, Tom Perrotta. I will also give him points for trying to engage in conversation about it, and even asking if he was the guy that wrote Little Children (another fabulous book in my opinion).  I said in fact it is, and he launched into anecdote that was incredibly boring.  I'm pretty sure I heard crickets chirping. 

Him: Fun fact. Tom Perrotta wrote that book after getting into a car accident on 495.

Me: Cool.

I really had nothing more to say to that as Little Children is about a woman so unhappy and resentful in her marriage that she has an emotional and physical affair with another man who is equally unhappy in his marriage.  Basically, that boring anecdote was neither here nor there. 

We go into the theater and are forced to chat before the previews begin.  He asked me how my weekend was.  I actually had a fabulous weekend, because I had a friend in town and had gone to a concert on Friday night.  In fact, my weekend was quite action-packed and full of delicious eats, booze, and dancing that I actually had something to say.  I then asked him what he did with his friend that had been visiting him:  the aquarium.

OK, I'm not saying the aquarium isn't cool or a great activity, but he had his best buddy from college visiting for approximately 48 hours, and all they did was go to the aquarium?  Again with the crickets chirping.  He did not mention a single other activity and thus made me feel: (1) like a bit more of a wild child than I really am and (2) kind of like an alcoholic. 

Other highlights:

Him:  I really like your...ascot?  Is that what that's called?

Me:  It's a scarf.

Him:  Oh.  I don't really know much about fashion.

Immediately after the lights went down, his arm was around my shoulder.  It was so obvious that he felt like that's what he was supposed to do that it made me cringe.  He also removed it 5 minutes later after realizing it was an uncomfortable position and then went for my hand.  He kept switching back and forth between the arm around the shoulder and the hand holding for the entire 2 hours of the movie, that I found it to be an annoying distraction! I know.  I'm being very hard on him, but I really just wanted to watch Bradley Cooper in all of his hotness and not deal with this awkward forced physical contact.  Throughout the entire movie I was even plotting how I was going to let him down easily at the end of the night, rather than my usual text message of "I'm sorry, I just didn't see any sparks". 

As he's walking me back to Park Street:

Him: I had a really great time with you tonight.

Me: Uh huh, me too.

Him: Awwwwwwwwwww.  You're shy!  You're blushing!  You're so cute.  I really like that.

Me: You know, I'm not really a shy person...

Him: Well, I would love to go out again.

Me: Sure... just get in touch.

I am the worst.  I couldn't even just grow a pair and gently spit in his face.  Oh well.  At least I have my planned text break-up!

She followed up with this G-Chat convo:

SCOOPS:  we saw a preview for the new tarantino movie
so i asked him if he liked him... just making conversation
and he was like... yea i do, but i really don't like that he uses so many references to pop culture--
(pop culture is my reason for living...so...there's that)
also, i felt really awkward making eye contact with him when we were sitting in the theater b/c we were sitting side by side
so i just didn't...and then he was like, oh are you really mesmerized by the commercials?

Pick Your Poison

Since I started this blog and confirmed that I am quite the online-dating veteran, I have been asked one question several times from various friends who are thinking about delving into the internets to find love:

Which site is the best?

This question is rich and complex, as everyone will have a different answer.  The opinions below are based on my experiences, and a more lucky lady/fella may have great luck on a site that I would describe as a pit of loneliness.  And trust me, ladies, you will find Captain Crazy and his League of Incredibly Disappointing Gentlemen, just as dudes will find a good amount of daddy issues and crazy cat ladies, on all your options, but I do think some sites have more winners for some. 

I'll start with where I started many years ago:  Match.  For me, Match has seemed to have the most legit characters.  Most of my dates have been with dudes from Match, but based on this blog, that may not be saying very much.  I enjoy that you can search based on height.  The pitfalls?  It's pricey, and more than once, I've forgotten to cancel my account before they've automatically charged my card to renew my membership. 

OKCupid is by far the most entertaining of the options.  Why?  Bulk.  OKCupid is free, so a lot of people use it... and when I say "people," I mean weirdos.  Most of the e-mails I post on this blog are from OKCupid.  To be fair, I have gone out with a dude or two from this site, and I really enjoy the quizzes, which help them match you to potential suitors.  This option also allows you to search based on height, a feature that many short male members don't seem to use.  I get so many messages from guys 5'9" and below on this site.

eHarmony is another popular option.  I am not a fan.  The reason why is a bit selfishly motivated.  You see, eHarmony doesn't consider height to be a dealbreaker.  In other words, even if I rank height above 6'0" as "very, very important," the site will still send me guys shorter than that... much shorter.  My guess is that they assume that height is too petty to be a dealbreaker.  However, it's not petty for little ol' me (pun intended)... it's practical.  Despite my experience, I do know some normal-sized friends who have had good luck on the site.

By far the WORST site I've ever tried was TallFriends.  I really should have known... The only men on this site are short dudes with tall-girl fetishes, which is just not for me.  It gives me the creeps.

As for the other options, I can't weigh in, but I will say that I've heard mixed reviews of JDate.  Part of me really wants to try ChristianMingle, only because the commercials are so corny.

What site do/did you use?  Answer the survey below, and comment on this post with your thoughts.

Quizzes by Quibblo.com

Redonk E-Mail Roundup: Hide and Seek

I get some good e-mails while online dating.  Here are a few of my current faves:

 ;::hi :) - In an e-mail that amounted to only 8 characters, he has managed to utilize not only poor/nonsensical punctuation, but also an emoticon. :(

Wow, your over 6 feet. That's hot. Wow - Apparently, my height inspires both awe and grammar fails.

Hey, what's up? How is your Thursday night going? 58% okcupid-based matching isn't too bad, right? :)) - Actually, since it's out of 100, I'd say that's failing.  Also, your emoticon has a double chin.

Are you a spelling bee contender or a dictionary sales person? - Listen up fella:  I like an inventive and fun opening line, but what does this even mean?  Oh and your 5'9."

Hey are you looking for a friend with benefits? - At least he's direct?!

Where have you been hiding omg you are so beautiful? I like the smile and want to know.
Do you know how to swim, fish, dance or have you ever been to Texas - Shit... He found me.  I need to find a better hiding place.

Sure, I may still be single, but at least I'm entertained.

My Baby Takes the Morning Train... No really!! He does... I see him on it!

I am an idiot.  I'm not sure if this blog has made that apparent to date, but I am.  I am a total moron when it comes to members of the opposite sex and this whole "online dating" thing.  And before you go thinking that I'm being too hard on myself, listen up:

A few months ago, I came across a dude with potential, and we exchanged some e-mails.  In those e-mails, I learned that my suitor worked in Government Center (a downtown neighborhood of Boston).  "Weird, me too," I thought.  He then wrote that he worked for a nonprofit that helps students with their loans.

At that moment, I made a big mistake by not deleting his messages and hiding his profile. 

You see, when he said that, I knew exactly where he worked... a large nonprofit that I knew very well... seeing as it is LOCATED IN MY OFFICE BUILDING.  This nonprofit takes up quite a few floors in my building.  In fact, I hate this nonprofit.  Not because of its mission, which seems to be quite commendable.  My hatred is purely based on its employees.  They slow down the elevators in the morning by stopping at literally every floor before mine.  Plus, while I'm slogging into work in "business casual," they get to dress in "casual casual" wear, which for some essentially equates to pajamas and/or club wear.  Even their food seems to smell more pungent and unappetizing than others' when I board the elevators at lunch.

And he worked there.

And yet I still decided to go out with him for a drink, making me a total moron.

Before our meet up, I never shared my belief that we worked in the same building, though, fearing that I would come off as a crazy stalker.  So we had our date, which was mediocre at best.  I can only really remember three things about it:

• He came into the bar a little late and immediately excused himself to go to the bathroom as he was sweating profusely, a fact he shared aloud.
• He guzzled down two drinks by the time that I had finished my first.
• He claimed after about 45 minutes that he had dinner reservations with a friend from out of town.

It was no surprise to me that I never heard from him again, as there were NO sparks.

All of this would be totally fine, except that a few weeks later, I saw him on my walk into work.  In a manner likely on par with James Bond's suave moves, I avoided him like the plague, once again fearing that I would come off as a total stalker.  Except, then I saw him again a few days later on the train and once again the next week.  Apparently, our commutes are the same, and I run into him at least once a week.  We even had to share an elevator once.  We have never spoken to each other; we both pretend as if the other is a stranger, but he definitely knows who I am.  It's like a daily dose of awkward.

And this, my friends, is how I know I'm a moron.  I saw this coming, and yet I barrelled towards it, looking for love in, quite literally, the wrong place.

That said, it has been slightly beneficial for me, as I get to see just how poorly he dresses on a daily basis... Sneakers with cargo shorts... BLECK!

Take us out, Sheena!

So You Think You Can Date?!

Last night, I was clicking through my Daily Matches when I came across quite the opening line (note that it includes the excessive asterisks):

****************************************************************************************
Don't bother reading any further if you don't like dancing or won't dance.
****************************************************************************************

This obviously intrigued me.  I kept reading.  Here are some highlights:

• I recently joined an intense international ballrom and latin dance school, a shaolin monk kung fu school, and started jazz and contemporary dance classes!
• I'm training seriously to try out for So You Think You Can Dance! I'd love to meet someone passionate enough to train and compete with me; Want to be my dance partner?
• I'm known to be laid back, yet ambitious, spontaneous, yet efficient, and either optimistic or realistic - never pessimistic.
• My hair used to be blue (consistently for 6.5 years).
• The Meyers Briggs personality test has me pegged as an ENTJ(Leader.) The j is the weakest letter, so ENTP(visionary) is reasonably accurate as well. What type are you?
• I secretly want to be a globe trotting Iron Chef fire dancer shaolin monk SYTYCD champion raver rockstar from the future...

I honestly hope that he finds someone to swing with.

As for me, I'm exhausted from just reading his profile... Also, people still go to raves?!?!

The Fake-Out Artist

I am currently embittered and salty, and if you speak to me this week about how in LOOOOOOVE you are, you should count yourself lucky if you leave our conversation without a bitch slap.

Why am I justified in my temporarily bitchy ways?  I am suffering from the burn of a fake out. 

What's a fake out?  If you're a woman (and perhaps a dude... I can't speak from that experience) who online dates, you probably know the fake out.  Here's the general schema of a fake out:

You are contacted by a gentleman friend who seems to have a lot of the qualities you'd like in a mate.  He seems attentive and ideal.  You exchange numerous e-mails and then maybe some and/or a lot of texts.  He asks you out and takes you to a nice place for dinner, which he pays for.  The conversation goes really well, and you genuinely enjoy yourself.  Plus, he seems to have a great time, too.  Sure, he may have talked about himself a little too much, but that's OK since you liked what you heard.  In particularly toxic fake outs, he walks you home.  There may even be some making out before the faking out.

And then...

He drops off the face of the earth.

It may not happen immediately.  He may text you here and there, but with pointless, self-involved statements for which it is impossible to think of responses (e.g., "My bike ride was awesome.  46 miles!!!!!" "I missed the earthquake.  I always miss cool events like that.  Mother nature hates me.") and MUCH less often than he did before your date.  He may make vague plans to hang out again but never actually follows through.  He may "warn" you of an upcoming trip, wedding, etc., that will delay your eventual second date.

Ultimately, however, he is full of crap.

This weekend, when I was just starting to realize that I was getting shafted, I was lucky enough to hang out with a few good girl friends, one of whom thought she was in the same exact situation.  Things MAY have worked out for her, but this apparently happens all the damn time.  It is EXHAUSTING.  I'd much rather go out with a loser who uses a Groupon than a fake-out artist.  At least I don't get my hopes up for a date from hell.

But c'est la vie.  One cannot go about life assuming the worst in people.  And I predict an improvement in my mood given that Halloween is just around the corner.  You cannot be sad while dressed as a sea creature.  It's like a law of science or something.

Tim TMI

Recently I exchanged numbers with a gentleman friend who seemed to have a lot of potential.  Tall?  Check.  Gainfully employed?  Check.  Interesting and well-written profile?  Check.  We exchanged e-mails and then numbers, and I assumed that I was well on my way to a successful, or at least interesting, first date.

Until he called me...

First off, I should mention that phone calls make me a little nervous.  I would almost rather meet someone in person before we talk on the phone.  I find phone calls to be more awkward and forced.  If I meet a dude in person, at least I can read his reactions.  However, I have friends who swear by a phone chat before the first date, and now I know why.

My suitor, we'll call him"Tim TMI," texted me to ask if he could call me on a recent Friday night.  Since I am THE coolest girl in school, I was home, just perusing the internets, so I said sure.  I figured it would be easy enough:  Shoot the shit for a few minutes, wait for him to ask me out on a date, and then quickly find an excuse to jump off the phone.  I WISH it had been that simple.

Our first chat lasted less than a minute.  He called me and then quickly said that he had to call me right back as he was getting a call from his parents.  "Fair enough," I thought.  I could understand that.

I should have never picked up the second call.

In the next 10-minute conversation, which occurred shortly after the first, he told me the following details of his life:

• He lives at home with his parents in Quincy.
• His parents are both ill (sciatica for his mom; prostate cancer for his dad).
• His parents are upside down in their mortgage.
• His mother is "nosey."
• He wants to be married in a year or two with kids.

All this was related in 10 MINUTES... during our FIRST REAL CONVERSATION... in the thickest Boston accent that I've ever heard, so I had to ask him to repeat everything.

Oh... and I'm pretty sure that he didn't ask me a single question about myself.

I'd guess that if I was to accept another call, I would learn his bank PIN, his social security number, and the year he lost his virginity.

Luckily, I will not be accepting that next call.

Dating Tip #3

When I get a message from a dating site alerting me that a dude is intrested, there are a few things I check before I move forward with giving this would-be suitor a chance. 

First and foremost, I check out his height.  Some women do this because they are vain and tall-men stealers (you know who you are), but this is a matter of necessity for yours truely.

Second, I assess if he seems slightly attractive.  I believe that I have a wide range.  I give people a chance.

Finally, and closely related to my second criterion, I scope out his pictures.  How do I judge his pictures beyond an analysis of attractiveness?  I check to see if he has any pictures that he has taken of himself in the mirror with his camera phone and/or in front of his computer with a web cam.

If he does, he's deleted.

Which brings us to:

Tip #3:  Do not post camera phone/web cam self-portraits.

Similarly:

• Do not look away into the distance instead of into the camera (this isn't MySpace 7 years ago).
• Do NOT post a headless ab shot.  I'll assume two things: (1) it's not you and/or (2) you're a horrible tool.
• Do not take pictures of yourself in the bathroom at work.  I have seen this a number of times.
• Do not take pictures in YOUR bathroom at home.  I don't need to know that you have a pink loofah at this stage in the relationship.

Why?  Those types of pictures lead me to assume that you have no normal pictures, which in turn impels me to gather that you have no life and no friends.  You SHOULD have pictures of yourself in some capacity.  Throw up that pic of you and Nana at her 90th birthday.  Post that shot of you and your brother at his bachelor party (but not the one with you and the stripper!!).  Upload a picture that paints you in a good light...

As opposed to the poor overhead lighting of your company's men's bathroom or the bluish hue of your computer screen.

National Epidemic?

Apparently, I'm not the only one out there receiving hilarious e-mails from winners over the internets.

I gotta say though some of those pale in comparison to the poetry that I receive.

Guest Post: Tim EMT ("Emergency: Manic Texter")

A friend who's also in the online-dating trenches sent me these text messages recently. Apparently, she had been e-mailing back and forth with Tim, and they even exchanged numbers. But, the situation cooled off for her, so she decided to give it the slow fade. And then shit got weird...

I'm happy to announce that since my friend was "willing to work with" Tim, they are now engaged (in restraining order legal proceedings).

My Next Site?

The people featured in this video are only slightly more odd than some of the guys that I have experienced in real-life online dating.

OCDkcupid.com - watch more funny videos

Dating Tip #2

The digital age is pretty screwed up. Sometimes when I'm bored or embracing my hipster/hippie side, I start to overanalyze just how creepy it is that we all overexpose ourselves online.

Online dating is especially odd. Unlike Facebook, other online daters who see my profile are meant to be complete strangers. In fact, when I realize that someone I know has happened upon my dating profile, I am utterly embarrassed. I'd prefer STRANGERS to peruse the details that I share about my life and my most flattering pictures. And if one of those total strangers contacts me, after a few e-mails, I'm sharing my hometown, my neighborhood in the city, and my profession, all with someone who could really be ANYONE: a small child, an old man, a total creeper.

Yea... it's weird.

Sure, putting yourself out there is always going be a little scary. And you have to be smart about the whole thing. Creepers are usually pretty good at giving off a "vibe," and just like in real-life dating, you gotta trust your instincts about people.

But a word of advice to the dudes out there...

Dating Tip #2: Don't be a total (obvious) stalker!!

If you're gonna stalk my ass, at least do it on the DL. Don't let me know that you're stalking me!! That's a great way to have me running for the hills.

For example, a while back, I started e-mailing back and forth with a guy who I wasn't too jazzed about, but I decided to give him a chance. His e-mails were rather interview-like, to the extent that he would list out multiple questions for me to answer. Literal numbered lists. After reading one of his e-mails, I closed down my computer and decided to write back when/if I had more time/energy.

Hours later, I had this message:

well looking forward to hearing back :)

I should interject and let you know that OKCupid will sometimes let you know when someone's viewed your profile. So this guy saw I was online, saw that I read his message/looked at his profile, and then wrote me a message when I didn't respond right away.

DUDE. CHILL! Did he think that sending me that message was going to make me want to e-mail him back? If anything, it put the nail into the coffin. A few days later I got another message:

Should I assume you've lost interest? haha

HAHA YES!

Dino-Might?

Prepare to be shocked and amazed...

Sometimes when I'm online dating, I encounter individuals who may be sane. Even stranger, they seem normal and kind of cute, and their profiles make me chuckle. They don't list Nickelback as their favorite band, and their pictures actually feature other people, which makes me assume that they may have friends. My hopes start to rise. I think "Wait... has this not all been in vain?! Might I actually have met a gent that I would actually like to DATE through ONLINE DATING." This is usually... if not always... a mistake on my part.

Case in point: Dino. I call him Dino, as he has admitted to playing with dinosaur toys before. He even sent me a picture once over text of a T-Rex figurine, which I promptly sent to a few friends with a big ol' "WTF is this guy sending me pictures of toys for?!"

But to give him some credit, he is an elementary school science teacher, so I wrote it off as kind of cute (oh hope... how you blind us).

Dino seemed like an OK guy from Match. We exchanged e-mails and then numbers, and he'd text me all the time. Like daily... Like multiple times a day. So yes, I came to believe that we'd be going out on a real date in no time...

Except weeks later, we had never met up. Still lots of texts, but no date. Finally, I broke down and asked him out myself. I know this is a lame move on my part, but I'm a "cut to the chase" kind of girl, for better or for worse.

Then what?

NOTHING! Crickets. Nada.

Until...

I got drunk a few weeks later and decided to text him.

Woops!

BUT... He answered, and the cycle started back up again. We texted, I got annoyed at the pointless texting, I asked him out, he went silent.

My only excuse is boredom, and the fact that he seemed like a nice guy (boy really). However, when I ruined my phone while kayaking, I decided that it was for the best. I didn't want to bother with a guy who was scared to meet me in person. A dead phone with a lost number was a great way to cut my losses and leave the table.

Until...

I checked my e-mail last night and saw that he found me on OKCupid?! We instant messaged each other, and he invited me to the Aquarium today??? I had to work, as most functioning adults do, so it was a no go. We ended our chat with him inviting me to "drunk text" him anytime...

That was just about the time that I realized that our acquaintance was extinct.

Redonk E-Mail Roundup: "Holy Softness"

I get some good e-mails while online dating. Here are a few of my current faves:

What has 4 legs and has a great time? Us on a date. - If you are going to use a joke, please make it a good one!

hey sweetgirl , how are u doing ? really u'v got a very nice pic with great looking :) please keep smiling :) - As an editor, I sure do love a man who knows how to spell.

Hi my name is kevin and live symphony, boston. I just came here one year ago and live by myself in studio. I'm currently a student majoring in management. If you don't mind, can I know your number? I think you are so beautiful. My number is XXX XXX XXXX - I do mind actually, but thanks for giving me, A COMPLETE STRANGER, your phone number.

Hi .. how do you feel about older/shorter guys? - I gotta be honest: I don't feel too great about them, especially you.

Hello miss. May I ask what your interest is in editing? I worked as a journalist for a couple of years, and the revising part was always the hardest. Many times Ive had to cut out gold to meet the word counts. Whatre your goals? - Is this a job interview??

I hope that I'm not being so forward by saying this, But browsing your profile made me feel a little attracted to you and to be directly honest you are that type of woman that attracts most of men and make any man think: "holy softness!!! This is a woman that I definitely want to end up with"... - I honestly don't even know how to respond to this one.

I really can't make this shit up.

Guest Post: Capture the Flag

This guest post is from a friend with some of my FAVORITE online dating stories. This one is quite hilarious!

When I was living in Seattle I went on a few dates with this guy named Alex. I was also actually dating my co-worker (who was also named Alex), but he wasn't treating me so well, so I resorted to going out with an alternate Alex. He wasn't my type at all, but another co-worker convinced me that I had bad taste in men and that he was actually really hot. He was super tall and very broad with a shaved head. Since I had never been in a relationship with a larger male before, I decided to give it a go. Our first date was fine, we just went out to dinner. I'm pretty sure he paid. I decided to give him a second chance since he seemed nice enough, even though I wasn't sure I was 100% attracted to him.

He texted me later that week and asked if I wanted to meet up with him and his friends for a big outdoor game of capture the flag. My first thought was, "Whaaaaat, no! That is incredibly awkward and sounds like the last thing I would ever want to do! Right?!" My co-worker (the one who convinced me that I had bad taste) then convinced me that capture the flag sounded like so much fun! And kudos to him for thinking of a creative second date! I told her I would only go if she went with me, and she agreed. Side note: I went to pick her up before the big game and, for some reason, decided to wear Chucks and 80s style running shorts with leggings underneath. She made me change immediately. We arrive at the site, and my date, the lovely, large Alex, basically ignored me! He did not speak to me the entire time except at the beginning to offer me a beer and some other bbq items. The whole thing was a little ridiculous, and I was so glad that I had at least brought a friend or I don't know how I would have navigated that incredibly awkward social situation!

It gets better.

I expected to never hear from this fellow ever again since he had basically snubbed me during our capture the flag rendezvous! Lo and behold, he texted me asking if I wanted to meet up for ice cream later that evening. I think I was particularly mad at my co-worker Alex for doing something typically douchey, so I agreed to meet up with Big Alex. We got our ice cream and were walking around the 'hood, and all of a sudden he said to me out of the blue, "What are your thoughts on homeless people? I just can't stand them; all they do is pan handle and try to take your money." Huh?!? Keep in mind I was doing an Americorps program at the time whose mission was to fight poverty. I was also living off of $930 per month and food stamps. I didn't even want to ask him his thoughts on SNAP benefits. Also, who says that? That's just weird. I should have gone home at that point, but he had picked me up and we were kind of far from my apartment. After that awkward exchange, he asked me if I wanted to go back to his place and watch a movie. My ridiculous self agreed, mostly because I'm just really bad at confrontation. We went back to his place and watched Dirty Work with Norm MacDonald. Que romantico. Literally as soon as the movie was over, he dimmed the lights and put on Bob Marley's Greatest Hits with a remote. THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED. He attempted to make out with me, and he was the worst kisser that I have ever encountered! At that point, the whole thing was just too ridiculous. I asked him to drive me home, and I washed my hands of Alex2.

Honey Boo Hoo

After an extended absence, you are likely assuming that the weirdo who drove me to write this post is a special breed of crazy... and of course, you would be correct.

Last night, while enjoying cocktails with a few single ladies and discussing the ills of online dating, I received an e-mail from a gentleman. All it said was "Hi." Poetically simple. Even more simple than the OTHER two e-mails that he has sent me in the last 3 days, both of which said "Hi honey." I have never e-mailed a response.

His e-mails were not what made him newsworthy, however. His profile is what drove me to write this post. First, he's from Albany, so I'm not even sure why I'm on his radar. Second, as I prepared to write this post, I noticed that he was last online at 4:53 a.m., which seems an odd time to be surfing the interwebs for a date. Thirdly, his picture revealed a face that looked as if it might belong to a pedophile. But what really stunk of crazy was the actual content of his profile. It was so ludicrous, so poorly written, so completely full of obvious lies, that I felt it must be featured in this blog. Here are some of it's finer points:

• I workout 6 days a week , pump iron and walk 5 miles a day.
• I am into vitamins and herbs and good whole foods.
• I like to ride horses when i can .
• i am veteran U.S. army 101st airborne, secret and top secret security clearance.
• I play guitar and sing and also a song writer and I also write screenplays.
• I am into helping people which gives me sense of purpose.
• i am a mechanic and auto body mechanic and i restore classic cars and sell them, i also own rental property.
• I am also an actor and i have acted in films in California, i have one agent in nyc.
• I have studied law , no i do not have a law degree, but i do not need one.
• I am looking for a good friend , perhaps a loving caring relationship if i can find her and just maybe she will look at me with loving eye's and say to me, your really swell,,,,,LOL

I think the "LOL" at the end is my favorite part...

Saving Grace This Valentine's Day: At Least I Don't Date an Axe Murder

Sometimes I find that girls are desperate to date pretty much anybody. This story exemplifies why you SHOULD NOT DO THAT.

Why I Online Date (This Might Be a Series)

OK... So you're all probably wondering, "Jen, online dating sounds like the WORST... Why do you even do it? You're a fox, and you have this totally awesome personality and rockin' dance moves."

I know! I am a TOTAL FOX! And trust me, I'd much rather meet the man of my dreams in "real life," perhaps at the screening of an indie film or while waiting for the T. I'd even stoop so low as to meet Mr. Right in one of Boston's many bars.

However, my life is not a RomCom.

I show up 2 minutes before movies start, so I'm always running from the ticket booth to the food stand into the theatre in such a fury that fellas only see a blur of awesome. They wonder, "I feel as if I was just in the presence of an angel," but I'm already gone, noshing on my popcorn and m&ms mixture inside the theatre.

As for the T, I am your stereotypical 20-something, with my ipod in or my phone out. Even when I am unplugged, I don't seem to sit next to any winners on the T. Seriously, how have so many men (and women for that matter) missed the "you must wear deodorant" life lesson? It seems rather obvious.

And finally... that brings us to the bar scene, which can be summed up most elegantly by Garth. (Yes that's his real name... I wish it was a pseudonym, but its not.) I met Garth at your stereotypical Boston bar. It was a situation of mutual friends, and we got to chatting.

He was cute enough, but oh, dear lord, was it awkward!! Despite being fairly tipsy, I was coherent and chatty. But with Garth, I hit a brick wall. There seemed to be nothing to talk about, but he also made it clear that he didn't want me to leave. Apparently, I asked him twice where he lived. It felt like a bad blind date.

However, occasionally he would add something to the conversation, including stating that his mom went to prom with Jon Bon Jovi... Well sir, now you've got me interested. JBJ seemed totally awesome after a few cocktails. I went home solo (despite his protests), but we exchanged numbers. I just figured that I had been the awkward one since I was drunk.

I woke up Sunday and bragged to all my friends about meeting a boy's whose mom "knew and nearly married JBJ... I mean he may be JBJ's kid. They kind of look alike if you squint while drinking tequila." They were all very kind and pretended to be jealous.

Fast forward to Wednesday of the next week. I hadn't heard from the spawn of JBJ, so I decided to be "cute" and text him:

J: "I saw your mom's prom date on TV... So awesome. Hope you're having a good week."

G: "How did my mom's prom date come up in conversation? Thanks, hope your week is going well."

J: "I'm not really sure how we got on that topic... Maybe you were trying to impress me bc I'm SO awesome?! Or a JBJ song may have been playing..." (Yea... I'm embarrassing when I text dudes.)

G: "Oh wow, he went to my high school but definitely didn't take my mom to prom. Not sure why I said that. Too many drinks that night."


... UMMMM... SERIOUSLY?! Who lies about their MOTHER'S prom date?! At least lie about YOUR prom date.

In closing, I will no longer be involved with gentlemen named "Garth" as they will never live up to this!

The Celebrity

Like almost everyone else in the free world, I enjoy (i.e., am addicted to) perusing facebook in my free (and occasionally less-than-free) time.

Recently, while I was reading my newsfeed, I happened to click on a work friend's post about Unintended Celebrity in the age of social media by Dave Pell. I'd say read the article, but as I myself am often too lazy to do such intense things as reading (reading's for nerds), I'll sum it up. The op-ed piece explores the loss of privacy in the age of social media. It highlights its point with the story of this total asshole who tweeted about a married couple who was arguing and possibly breaking up near his table in Burger King. He tweeted the details of the fight, including quotes, pictures, and even videos of the unknowing couple. The story eventually got picked up by the national media, and Dave Pell and many other people who read or heard about the tweets were appalled by them. My favorite quote from the article is:

"In that Burger King, Andy Boyle thought he was listening to the disintegration of a couple's marriage. He was really hearing the crumbling of his own ethics and self-restraint."

I was pretty upset by the artcile as well, but as I read it, I couldn't help but to think "Andy Boyle... I definitely know that name..." A quick Google search enlightened me:

I HAD GONE ON A DATE WITH THIS DUDE!

Yep... Another OKCupid suitor that went no where fast. He seemed nice enough, but after a few post-11 pm texts from him after days of silence, I figured we were looking for different things. I never got back to him about a second date.

Which is really just too bad... I could have dated a celebrity.

Dating Tip #1

I made a decision today. This blog can't be all negativity and cynicism. If I were to only publicly humiliate the anonymous gentlemen who make utter fools of themselves in pursuing me via e-mail or on awkward first dates, then I would be a cruel and insensitive bitch. I must show these lost souls to the light of normal human behavior and social correctness.

Therefore, I shall offer words of wisdom to my audience (all 10 of you). Sure, some of you might find these tips as obvious as Kim Kardashian's divorce, but trust me, there are LOADS of dudes that I interact with who have no clue.

So I shall begin with my first tip, which is in no way the most important nor is it related to the most egregious mistakes that I've seen. I only thought of it after a recent e-mail exchange with a potential suitor.

#1: ASK SOME DAMN QUESTIONS.

We're complete strangers and conversing with you via e-mail is extremely awkward and forced. I need you to give me something to work with here. You know how I asked you 15 questions in my last e-mail on everything from your favorite movies to your preferred super power if you were to magically to become a super hero (yes I've asked that). Yea... That was all for a reason. I want to give you something to write back about. I want to get to know you. And probably most importantly, I want to make sure you aren't a total crazy. That's the whole point of this. When you answer back and ask me nothing in return, I'm not really sure what to do. I assume you want me to e-mail you, or you would never have answered me. But what am I supposed to say? "Yea... Inception is pretty awesome..." "Haha... Invisibility would be pretty 'sweet.'" But then what? I don't want to come off as totally self-involved and instantly talk about myself. That's rude. And your inability to ask me anything at all about myself makes you out to be completely self-involved.

So dudes, TRY. Ask me about my job. Ask me if I like the new Bon Iver album. Ask me to pick my favorite Power Ranger (pink, DUH). Just ask me something.

"The Groupon-er"

Once upon a time, a man asked a woman out on a date to a nice restaurant, fawning over her politely (but not overwhelmingly), buying her drinks and dinner, and perhaps even walking her home at the end of the night. I understand that for some, this is not a fairy tale, but a reality. However, this is a scenario so elusive to me that Cinderella seems more plausible. My jaded attitude has built up over the years thanks to a variety of dates that can most poetically be summed up by "The Groupon-er."

Before I start, I should note that as I like to fancy myself a bit of a feminist and liberal thinker, I know that a man paying for a woman is a bit backwards and could be seen as outdated, but I still feel that if a dude asks you out, he should pay. This article sums up my thoughts pretty well. Basically, I equate a dude paying for me to a way of showing that he's excited to be going out with me... especially since he's asked me out and usually picked the spot. If he's a student, unemployed, taking care of a sick family member, etc., I definitely don't mind going Dutch, but 9 times out of 10, I think it's just plain ol' polite for the gentleman to pay.

Anyways, back to the Groupon-er.

I agreed to go out with the Groupon-er after an exchange of several e-mails, and I distinctly remember having a few doubts. While one of his pictures portrayed him as a cute, seemingly normal jock, he also had a few that were not so kind, including one with an unfortunate leather hat and a creeper smile. In his profile, he admitted to being divorced and a former band geek, but I got the impression that he was a cute nerd as opposed to a socially inept idiot.

I was wrong...

In setting up our date, which he asked me to attend, he suggested that we go to a certain restaurant in the North End since he "had a Groupon." I should have shut him down right then, as it's A GROUPON! Save that shit for dinner with friends, or at least don't admit to using it on a date. However, I decided to buck it up, keep my word, and meet him for dinner. Plus, he had promised that it would be his treat.

When I first arrived, I will admit that I was pleasantly surprised that he was pretty cute. He was tall and decently dressed... but as soon as we got in the restaurant, I knew it was going to be a LONG evening.

The restaurant was tiny, like all the establishments in the North End, and he was painfully awkward in the tight space. This statement is coming from me, a self-admitted awkward giant, but this dude made me look smooth. He banged around with his bag and chair in the tight spot. It was almost painful to watch.

After witnessing that spectacle, I needed a drink, but when it came to ordering beverages, he opted for a WATER... SERIOUSLY?! We're on a FIRST DATE, you've told me that you drink, and you're using a GROUPON; you can spring for a glass of wine. Feigning politeness, I echoed his order but eventually broke down and ordered a glass of pinot grigio in the hope that it would help me think his utterly boring stories about computers and taking the train from Boston to Chicago were somehow interesting... Like the train, the date went VERY SLOWLY.

Eventually, it came time to pay, and my date pulled out... his Groupon. I made the obligatory offer to help pay (I'm nothing if not polite) to which he replied:

"Ummm yea... you owe about $13."

WHAT! You're using a GROUPON!! And you asked ME OUT! Even if you're not interested, which you gave no sign of, you should be a gentleman! Dumbfounded, I stared at him for a second before pulling out a $20 and telling him to keep the change.

When dinner was finally over and my freedom was within my grasp, I realized that we were headed in the same direction. We both had to walk to the T in the rain. Luckily, I was bright enough to wear my new rain coat, which was especially good since my date had no intention of sharing his umbrella.... He made no attempt to shield me from the rain and actually hit me a few times with it trying to avoid other pedestrians.

A few days later, he had the audacity to e-mail me to say he didn't think we had a future... I fought my inner devils hard not to reply, "NO DUH, you cheap-ass dork. I hope Groupon has a dating seminar on sale soon for your sake."

Stockpile

I have a bad habit of never writing this blog...

It's not that I'm no longer online dating or that I have successfully started dating a normal individual. Far from that option. I am dating and getting e-mails from the cream of the crop of weirdos, sad sacks, and social morons these days.

I guess I just got lazy in 2011, but fear not! Things are going to change in 2012.

Over the past few months, I have stockpiled a WEALTH of stories, e-mails, etc., that has finally reached an amount and a hilarity level that can no longer be ignored.

Therefore, check back soon and often, as I intend to write about my misadventures old and new much more often.