"The Groupon-er"

Once upon a time, a man asked a woman out on a date to a nice restaurant, fawning over her politely (but not overwhelmingly), buying her drinks and dinner, and perhaps even walking her home at the end of the night. I understand that for some, this is not a fairy tale, but a reality. However, this is a scenario so elusive to me that Cinderella seems more plausible. My jaded attitude has built up over the years thanks to a variety of dates that can most poetically be summed up by "The Groupon-er."

Before I start, I should note that as I like to fancy myself a bit of a feminist and liberal thinker, I know that a man paying for a woman is a bit backwards and could be seen as outdated, but I still feel that if a dude asks you out, he should pay. This article sums up my thoughts pretty well. Basically, I equate a dude paying for me to a way of showing that he's excited to be going out with me... especially since he's asked me out and usually picked the spot. If he's a student, unemployed, taking care of a sick family member, etc., I definitely don't mind going Dutch, but 9 times out of 10, I think it's just plain ol' polite for the gentleman to pay.

Anyways, back to the Groupon-er.

I agreed to go out with the Groupon-er after an exchange of several e-mails, and I distinctly remember having a few doubts. While one of his pictures portrayed him as a cute, seemingly normal jock, he also had a few that were not so kind, including one with an unfortunate leather hat and a creeper smile. In his profile, he admitted to being divorced and a former band geek, but I got the impression that he was a cute nerd as opposed to a socially inept idiot.

I was wrong...

In setting up our date, which he asked me to attend, he suggested that we go to a certain restaurant in the North End since he "had a Groupon." I should have shut him down right then, as it's A GROUPON! Save that shit for dinner with friends, or at least don't admit to using it on a date. However, I decided to buck it up, keep my word, and meet him for dinner. Plus, he had promised that it would be his treat.

When I first arrived, I will admit that I was pleasantly surprised that he was pretty cute. He was tall and decently dressed... but as soon as we got in the restaurant, I knew it was going to be a LONG evening.

The restaurant was tiny, like all the establishments in the North End, and he was painfully awkward in the tight space. This statement is coming from me, a self-admitted awkward giant, but this dude made me look smooth. He banged around with his bag and chair in the tight spot. It was almost painful to watch.

After witnessing that spectacle, I needed a drink, but when it came to ordering beverages, he opted for a WATER... SERIOUSLY?! We're on a FIRST DATE, you've told me that you drink, and you're using a GROUPON; you can spring for a glass of wine. Feigning politeness, I echoed his order but eventually broke down and ordered a glass of pinot grigio in the hope that it would help me think his utterly boring stories about computers and taking the train from Boston to Chicago were somehow interesting... Like the train, the date went VERY SLOWLY.

Eventually, it came time to pay, and my date pulled out... his Groupon. I made the obligatory offer to help pay (I'm nothing if not polite) to which he replied:

"Ummm yea... you owe about $13."

WHAT! You're using a GROUPON!! And you asked ME OUT! Even if you're not interested, which you gave no sign of, you should be a gentleman! Dumbfounded, I stared at him for a second before pulling out a $20 and telling him to keep the change.

When dinner was finally over and my freedom was within my grasp, I realized that we were headed in the same direction. We both had to walk to the T in the rain. Luckily, I was bright enough to wear my new rain coat, which was especially good since my date had no intention of sharing his umbrella.... He made no attempt to shield me from the rain and actually hit me a few times with it trying to avoid other pedestrians.

A few days later, he had the audacity to e-mail me to say he didn't think we had a future... I fought my inner devils hard not to reply, "NO DUH, you cheap-ass dork. I hope Groupon has a dating seminar on sale soon for your sake."