Guest Post: The Yellow Bastard

After a few beers on Sunday FunDay, I convinced a few single lady friends to be new guest post contributors. Here's a story from one of them.

This is my first and only Match experience in Chicago.

He was somewhat cute, seemed intelligent, and had pictures of himself with friends (a definite must to claim normalcy). His messages were a perfect mix of information and questions to keep the conversation going, and he seemed like he had a great sense of humor. So after a few days, he asked me to meet him at a pub for a drink. We lived on complete opposite sides of the city (~15 miles apart), and he picked a place that was very easy for me to get to, even though it was not easy for him. There was no awkwardness when we arrived, so we decided to have dinner too. Conversation was great. As we got close to dessert, his phone would not stop ringing (it was on vibrate), so he asked if it were ok if he checked who was calling. It was his mother, and he again asked permission to call her back since she had called so many times–all perfectly reasonable things to do. He called her back, mostly listened, and then said he would call her back tomorrow. He then excused himself from the table and was gone for over 20 minutes! He came back looking a little pale, said everything was fine, but was much quieter the rest of dinner. He walked me to the bus, asked if we could see each other again, and kissed me goodnight. Other than the long, inexplicable disappearance from the table, it was a great first date.

We planned for drinks only as a second date since we were both extremely busy during the next week. This time we picked a place that was centrally located between us. He immediately explained to me what happened at dinner. His mother's frequent calls were her calling to tell him that she had Stage 4 cancer with a life expectancy of about eight months. He then proceeded to cry uncontrollably in the bar, and I had no idea what to do. We decided to call it a night and agreed we would reschedule for a better time. It was not the right time for him to get to know someone new. He needed to spend time with his mom.

So fast forward to about two months, after no communication, he called me to ask if he could try for a third time to show me a better first date. His mom had found out that he was on a date when she told him and insisted that he still live his life as her "dying wish." That is not exactly easy to say no to, and since he was such a gentleman and extremely respectful about everything so far, I agreed. He asked me to meet him for dinner at one of my favorite restaurants and then to go to a theater show nearby. Dinner–unbeknownst to me–was his birthday celebration with a few of his friends. It was a bit awkward, but they were all nice people and seemingly had no delusions about our dating status.

Following dinner, the two of us went to the late show alone. Being March in Chicago, the weather was comfortably in the 50s when we arrived, but when we came out of the show 90 minutes later, there was a freak ice storm. There was ice everywhere to the point that police were closing roads, taxis were no longer driving, etc. Since the show was late and the ice was so bad, the train also had already stopped running. There was no way I was getting home (~15 miles away) until the roads were treated. 

He only lived a few blocks away, so we went to his place to wait for the roads to be cleared. His roommate was home, and we hung out with him for a while. I was freezing (I was not dressed for the unexpected 30 degree weather), so we went into his room to get a sweatshirt for me. I sat at his desk looking at some pictures that he had displayed, and when I turned around, he had his pants completely off. And I mean both boxers and pants off–shirt and socks still very much on. Note, at this point in time, we still had only kissed maybe twice and spent a total of less than 10 hours together! But the worst part was that what I saw was not normal in any way! Normally I would never share intimate details, but I was so caught off guard and creeped out by what I saw, I had to share with my closest friends to confirm that what I saw was in fact not normal. This is how he was nicknamed the Yellow Bastard.

To say the least, being stuck there for a few hours was insanely awkward, and we did not see each other again.

Guest Post: The Poetic Verses of Love

I love guest posts!  Not only do I get to take some time off from writing the bulk of my posts, but they also remind me that I am not the only one slogging through the trenches of online dating.  Last week, I got an e-mail from a friend; she has recently rejoined Match.com and has already received a "very special" e-mail.  I'd like to call it a poem of sorts.  Here's how she introduced it:

Read it out loud for full effect. Try not to pee yourself.

Here's the e-mail.

Hi,

I'd like to meet and begin a friendship
For a good positive talk, I consider myself a balanced man
I am looking for the love of my life, a woman initially with a good
friendship
I love looking after my body and mind through exercise and various sports
Lately I'm practicing tennis, hiking and visiting the naturaleza
Taking good habits and good costumbres and weigh my positive life
I like to dress as the occasion is and weekends with sportswear
To share the day with people, in harmony with life and nature
You are a very interesting person
In the paradise of your eyes,
I lose because I'm lost
at peace with your lips,
I feel that I am with you
in the universe of your soul,
I live a thousand ways
in you, live in love, dreaming of you
Have sweet dreams and I'm sending you a big hug

My Skype = XXXXXXX
Mail : XXXXX
@
Hotmail
com

I just peed a little.

Guest Post: Mesmerized by Your Ass-cot

Sometimes I think that I have bad dates, and then I speak to my friend, Scoops, and realize that my life could be much worse:  I could be going on her dates.  While she's totally awesome and funny, she's managed to go out with some real "winners," so I always beg her for stories for this blog.  On a recent morning, I received an e-mail titled, "I went on a date with a 12 year old."  I knew it was going to be a gem, and I was right:

I just realized that I have a shit ton of work to do, but I felt that reporting on last night's date was a first priority.  I am considering canceling my OKC account as a result.  Also, this is long, because I'm apparently very detail oriented when it comes to these things!

Last night, I went to see the Silver Linings Playbook, the new Bradley Cooper flick.  I highly recommend it! In fact, the movie was great, and I thoroughly enjoyed it despite the fact that the company made me want to hide in my down coat. 

I must admit, I was not thoroughly excited about meeting up with this fella.  The first date last Sunday was underwhelming, but I was willing to give him a second chance given that I've been on so many dates with so-called "cool hipster babes," and they've always ended up being douchey.  I arrived at the theater, and he was very happy to see me!  He gave me a very enthusiastic hug.  All I could notice, however, was his khaki pants that looked like they'd been purchased for him by his mother when he was in middle school.  About 4 to 5 inches too short.  He was also wearing Airwalks.  I try not to be so judgy about outfits these days, but high waters and cargo pants are a definite no-no!  Anyway, we went to buy tickets.  He paid, so he does get points for that. 

He noticed that I was carrying a book by one of my favorite authors, Tom Perrotta. I will also give him points for trying to engage in conversation about it, and even asking if he was the guy that wrote Little Children (another fabulous book in my opinion).  I said in fact it is, and he launched into anecdote that was incredibly boring.  I'm pretty sure I heard crickets chirping. 

Him: Fun fact. Tom Perrotta wrote that book after getting into a car accident on 495.

Me: Cool.

I really had nothing more to say to that as Little Children is about a woman so unhappy and resentful in her marriage that she has an emotional and physical affair with another man who is equally unhappy in his marriage.  Basically, that boring anecdote was neither here nor there. 

We go into the theater and are forced to chat before the previews begin.  He asked me how my weekend was.  I actually had a fabulous weekend, because I had a friend in town and had gone to a concert on Friday night.  In fact, my weekend was quite action-packed and full of delicious eats, booze, and dancing that I actually had something to say.  I then asked him what he did with his friend that had been visiting him:  the aquarium.

OK, I'm not saying the aquarium isn't cool or a great activity, but he had his best buddy from college visiting for approximately 48 hours, and all they did was go to the aquarium?  Again with the crickets chirping.  He did not mention a single other activity and thus made me feel: (1) like a bit more of a wild child than I really am and (2) kind of like an alcoholic. 

Other highlights:

Him:  I really like your...ascot?  Is that what that's called?

Me:  It's a scarf.

Him:  Oh.  I don't really know much about fashion.

Immediately after the lights went down, his arm was around my shoulder.  It was so obvious that he felt like that's what he was supposed to do that it made me cringe.  He also removed it 5 minutes later after realizing it was an uncomfortable position and then went for my hand.  He kept switching back and forth between the arm around the shoulder and the hand holding for the entire 2 hours of the movie, that I found it to be an annoying distraction! I know.  I'm being very hard on him, but I really just wanted to watch Bradley Cooper in all of his hotness and not deal with this awkward forced physical contact.  Throughout the entire movie I was even plotting how I was going to let him down easily at the end of the night, rather than my usual text message of "I'm sorry, I just didn't see any sparks". 

As he's walking me back to Park Street:

Him: I had a really great time with you tonight.

Me: Uh huh, me too.

Him: Awwwwwwwwwww.  You're shy!  You're blushing!  You're so cute.  I really like that.

Me: You know, I'm not really a shy person...

Him: Well, I would love to go out again.

Me: Sure... just get in touch.

I am the worst.  I couldn't even just grow a pair and gently spit in his face.  Oh well.  At least I have my planned text break-up!

She followed up with this G-Chat convo:

SCOOPS:  we saw a preview for the new tarantino movie
so i asked him if he liked him... just making conversation
and he was like... yea i do, but i really don't like that he uses so many references to pop culture--
(pop culture is my reason for living...so...there's that)
also, i felt really awkward making eye contact with him when we were sitting in the theater b/c we were sitting side by side
so i just didn't...and then he was like, oh are you really mesmerized by the commercials?

Guest Post: Tim EMT ("Emergency: Manic Texter")

A friend who's also in the online-dating trenches sent me these text messages recently. Apparently, she had been e-mailing back and forth with Tim, and they even exchanged numbers. But, the situation cooled off for her, so she decided to give it the slow fade. And then shit got weird...

I'm happy to announce that since my friend was "willing to work with" Tim, they are now engaged (in restraining order legal proceedings).

Guest Post: Capture the Flag

This guest post is from a friend with some of my FAVORITE online dating stories. This one is quite hilarious!

When I was living in Seattle I went on a few dates with this guy named Alex. I was also actually dating my co-worker (who was also named Alex), but he wasn't treating me so well, so I resorted to going out with an alternate Alex. He wasn't my type at all, but another co-worker convinced me that I had bad taste in men and that he was actually really hot. He was super tall and very broad with a shaved head. Since I had never been in a relationship with a larger male before, I decided to give it a go. Our first date was fine, we just went out to dinner. I'm pretty sure he paid. I decided to give him a second chance since he seemed nice enough, even though I wasn't sure I was 100% attracted to him.

He texted me later that week and asked if I wanted to meet up with him and his friends for a big outdoor game of capture the flag. My first thought was, "Whaaaaat, no! That is incredibly awkward and sounds like the last thing I would ever want to do! Right?!" My co-worker (the one who convinced me that I had bad taste) then convinced me that capture the flag sounded like so much fun! And kudos to him for thinking of a creative second date! I told her I would only go if she went with me, and she agreed. Side note: I went to pick her up before the big game and, for some reason, decided to wear Chucks and 80s style running shorts with leggings underneath. She made me change immediately. We arrive at the site, and my date, the lovely, large Alex, basically ignored me! He did not speak to me the entire time except at the beginning to offer me a beer and some other bbq items. The whole thing was a little ridiculous, and I was so glad that I had at least brought a friend or I don't know how I would have navigated that incredibly awkward social situation!

It gets better.

I expected to never hear from this fellow ever again since he had basically snubbed me during our capture the flag rendezvous! Lo and behold, he texted me asking if I wanted to meet up for ice cream later that evening. I think I was particularly mad at my co-worker Alex for doing something typically douchey, so I agreed to meet up with Big Alex. We got our ice cream and were walking around the 'hood, and all of a sudden he said to me out of the blue, "What are your thoughts on homeless people? I just can't stand them; all they do is pan handle and try to take your money." Huh?!? Keep in mind I was doing an Americorps program at the time whose mission was to fight poverty. I was also living off of $930 per month and food stamps. I didn't even want to ask him his thoughts on SNAP benefits. Also, who says that? That's just weird. I should have gone home at that point, but he had picked me up and we were kind of far from my apartment. After that awkward exchange, he asked me if I wanted to go back to his place and watch a movie. My ridiculous self agreed, mostly because I'm just really bad at confrontation. We went back to his place and watched Dirty Work with Norm MacDonald. Que romantico. Literally as soon as the movie was over, he dimmed the lights and put on Bob Marley's Greatest Hits with a remote. THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED. He attempted to make out with me, and he was the worst kisser that I have ever encountered! At that point, the whole thing was just too ridiculous. I asked him to drive me home, and I washed my hands of Alex2.

GUEST POST: JDate Exposed

When I started this blog, a friend told me that I would need to convert to Judaism. When I asked her why, she told me that no online dating blog would be complete without stories about JDate. Since I figured that switching religions for blog purposes may be frowned upon by... well... pretty much everyone, I decided to ask my friend, Amy, for help. Amy is on JDate, and I knew from a few drunk dish sessions that she had some good stories for me. Here's one of the 'best' (a.k.a. most awkward) first date stories that I've heard:


I recently decided to put myself back on JDate, unbeknownst to my mother, who convinced me that maybe it wasn't the worst thing in the world. I had used it back when I first graduated from college and thought that it was just what I was supposed to be doing, and I had managed to find some real winners. But in my advancing age, I've decided that religion actually is important to me, so I wanted to try to find likeminded people. This, of course, means that I had to stop judging every book by its cover and actually talk to guys who might not be my type. That's when I replied to an email from *David* (name changed just in case, really...). [side note: Duh! Of course he'll read this entry. This blog is going to be the hottest ish on the internet. I'm preparing for a book deal any day now.]

David was a 34-year-old guy who seemed harmless enough from his pictures. His emails were rather perfunctory, and he gave me his phone number in case I wanted to use it. We had one phone call, in which he told me that he lives with his parents because one of them had been sick. He was being a good son and helping them, and asked me what I thought I was looking for and if any of his information bothered me. I brushed it aside, thinking he was just being polite and we set up another night to talk a few days later.

Perhaps I should have taken it as a sign when he called a few days later and greeted me with: "Hey! It's me..." when I answered.

Fast forward a few more days to our actual first date. It was the Saturday of July 4th weekend, and it was a beautiful day outside - not humid at all - and it seemed almost a shame to sit in a bar and miss out on it. I convinced him to get a cup of coffee, and we walked down about a block to sit on a bench and chat. Well, that's where the excitement ended - it was as if he had read a book of conversation starters and didn't have any actual conversation to go along with it. Questions such as, "Do you like music...?", "What kind of movies are you into...?", and "What do you like to do socially...?" He also asked me several times how old I was and where I lived (I lived about 2 streets over from where we were sitting). At first, I tried to be polite and play along, but it almost seemed like he was so onesided that he couldn't interact with other humans. I actually considered taking the straw from my iced coffee, sticking it through my eyeball and swirling it around my brain - it would have been better stimulation than this.

He asked a few times, "What do you want to do...?" (keep in mind, it was HIS idea to come to my part of town), and we finally settled on taking a walk down the street. After about a block or so, I thought I heard a biker behind me. I moved over behind David to let the biker pass. It was actually someone holding grocery bags, and David looked over his shoulder to ask what I was doing. If you will:

David: "What's wrong?"
Me: "Oh, I thought I heard a biker behind me, I was letting them pass" (as I moved next to him again.
David: (shrugging) "Oh I hate bikers. I usually pass them when I drive, and I honk. Usually they give me the finger".

I had pretty much decided that I had nothing in common with this guy. We walked down the street, crossed over and walked back up the other side. When he asked me what I wanted to do for probably the 5th or so time, I finally had enough and answered, "You know what? I think I'm just going to go home." This seemed to catch him off guard, of course; I do have a hard time believing that no girl has ever wanted to escape from him on any date situation before. "Oh, oh you do? It's still early, but I guess if you want to go home, that's fine." I thanked him for the coffee and told him that it was nice to meet him and that I hoped he had a good night.

As I walked away and rolled my eyes very far back into my head, I dug in my purse for my cell phone. It hadn't even been a full hour. My immediate next thought was, "If the world ended right now, this could NOT have been the last person I ever hung out with." So I called some friends and rallied to save my night.