Guest Post: Mesmerized by Your Ass-cot

Sometimes I think that I have bad dates, and then I speak to my friend, Scoops, and realize that my life could be much worse:  I could be going on her dates.  While she's totally awesome and funny, she's managed to go out with some real "winners," so I always beg her for stories for this blog.  On a recent morning, I received an e-mail titled, "I went on a date with a 12 year old."  I knew it was going to be a gem, and I was right:

I just realized that I have a shit ton of work to do, but I felt that reporting on last night's date was a first priority.  I am considering canceling my OKC account as a result.  Also, this is long, because I'm apparently very detail oriented when it comes to these things!

Last night, I went to see the Silver Linings Playbook, the new Bradley Cooper flick.  I highly recommend it! In fact, the movie was great, and I thoroughly enjoyed it despite the fact that the company made me want to hide in my down coat. 

I must admit, I was not thoroughly excited about meeting up with this fella.  The first date last Sunday was underwhelming, but I was willing to give him a second chance given that I've been on so many dates with so-called "cool hipster babes," and they've always ended up being douchey.  I arrived at the theater, and he was very happy to see me!  He gave me a very enthusiastic hug.  All I could notice, however, was his khaki pants that looked like they'd been purchased for him by his mother when he was in middle school.  About 4 to 5 inches too short.  He was also wearing Airwalks.  I try not to be so judgy about outfits these days, but high waters and cargo pants are a definite no-no!  Anyway, we went to buy tickets.  He paid, so he does get points for that. 

He noticed that I was carrying a book by one of my favorite authors, Tom Perrotta. I will also give him points for trying to engage in conversation about it, and even asking if he was the guy that wrote Little Children (another fabulous book in my opinion).  I said in fact it is, and he launched into anecdote that was incredibly boring.  I'm pretty sure I heard crickets chirping. 

Him: Fun fact. Tom Perrotta wrote that book after getting into a car accident on 495.

Me: Cool.

I really had nothing more to say to that as Little Children is about a woman so unhappy and resentful in her marriage that she has an emotional and physical affair with another man who is equally unhappy in his marriage.  Basically, that boring anecdote was neither here nor there. 

We go into the theater and are forced to chat before the previews begin.  He asked me how my weekend was.  I actually had a fabulous weekend, because I had a friend in town and had gone to a concert on Friday night.  In fact, my weekend was quite action-packed and full of delicious eats, booze, and dancing that I actually had something to say.  I then asked him what he did with his friend that had been visiting him:  the aquarium.

OK, I'm not saying the aquarium isn't cool or a great activity, but he had his best buddy from college visiting for approximately 48 hours, and all they did was go to the aquarium?  Again with the crickets chirping.  He did not mention a single other activity and thus made me feel: (1) like a bit more of a wild child than I really am and (2) kind of like an alcoholic. 

Other highlights:

Him:  I really like your...ascot?  Is that what that's called?

Me:  It's a scarf.

Him:  Oh.  I don't really know much about fashion.

Immediately after the lights went down, his arm was around my shoulder.  It was so obvious that he felt like that's what he was supposed to do that it made me cringe.  He also removed it 5 minutes later after realizing it was an uncomfortable position and then went for my hand.  He kept switching back and forth between the arm around the shoulder and the hand holding for the entire 2 hours of the movie, that I found it to be an annoying distraction! I know.  I'm being very hard on him, but I really just wanted to watch Bradley Cooper in all of his hotness and not deal with this awkward forced physical contact.  Throughout the entire movie I was even plotting how I was going to let him down easily at the end of the night, rather than my usual text message of "I'm sorry, I just didn't see any sparks". 

As he's walking me back to Park Street:

Him: I had a really great time with you tonight.

Me: Uh huh, me too.

Him: Awwwwwwwwwww.  You're shy!  You're blushing!  You're so cute.  I really like that.

Me: You know, I'm not really a shy person...

Him: Well, I would love to go out again.

Me: Sure... just get in touch.

I am the worst.  I couldn't even just grow a pair and gently spit in his face.  Oh well.  At least I have my planned text break-up!

She followed up with this G-Chat convo:

SCOOPS:  we saw a preview for the new tarantino movie
so i asked him if he liked him... just making conversation
and he was like... yea i do, but i really don't like that he uses so many references to pop culture--
(pop culture is my reason for living...so...there's that)
also, i felt really awkward making eye contact with him when we were sitting in the theater b/c we were sitting side by side
so i just didn't...and then he was like, oh are you really mesmerized by the commercials?