Training Day

I have been lazy about blogging lately.  There are a few factors to blame for this.  First, winter has sucked out a lot of my creativity.  Apparently, I need more sunshine to be my hilarious self.  Second, things have been a bit slow in the dating department for me.  I decided that for my own sanity's sake, I needed to take a little break from online dating for a while.  I took down my profiles and tried to keep myself from looking at the sites.  I wanted a stockpile of fresh meat when I logged on next.

Finally, and most importantly, I have recently signed up for HBO.  My nonworking life now revolves around streaming its various series in a slightly/completely obsessive manner, because they are just SO good.  I am extremely ashamed at how quickly I got through Game of Thrones.  Unfortunately, it will likely take me a titch longer to read the 4,000 or so pages in the books that I downloaded to my iPad shortly after I finished the series.  I'm on about page 115 after a few weeks, so I'm sure I'll finish by the time I'm 35 or 40.

I also ate up most of Girls in a day, and now I'm onto The Wire.  The Wire is amazing.  The story lines are interesting and complex, and it gives you a well-rounded view of drugs in the inner city.  Hailing from Maryland, I like to pretend that I somehow identify with the show since my grandma sometimes has a Ballmore (a.k.a. Baltimore) accent and because I used to feed the homeless there.

Despite my obsession, the show did lead me to break my short hiatus from online dating and, in turn, inspired me to write this blog entry.  Why?  How?

Two words:  Jimmy McNulty.

Played by the Dominic West, Jimmy is the adorable asshole to whom many women, including myself, are drawn.  He's just super, duper hot.  Smart.  Vulnerable.  Good looking.  So after a few too many hours of staring at his cute mug, I thought to myself, "Perhaps there is a Boston version of Jimmy McNulty... and perhaps, he's on OKCupid."

So I fired up my computer and signed on.  I started searching for new members, hoping to find my Irish bad boy with a heart of gold.  Instead, I found "FuckYourTrainer" (yes, that is his actual screen name).  Here's his self summary:

You'll either 'get this' or you won't...for the 1% that does in fact 'get it', say hello.

Face pics hidden due to nature of this profile. Happy to share, I'm no ogre...

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I'm looking for fit women who want to act out a personal trainer-client roleplay. You MUST already be in shape to do this. I know this is a common fantasy for women (and trainers), but I refuse to act on it within the confines of my business where people are paying for my services.

I run a small exercise facility on the South Shore, but also have full workout setup at my house. You will receive a REAL, high quality workout each time you train with me. I don't fuck around with that part of the equation; you'll be literally rubber legged and rubber limbed - but you'll also get fucked after each workout...

Requirements include you having a hard body, and looking GREAT in a pair of yoga pants. And out of them.

Lot's of options here:

- Physical assessment prior to commencing workout, consisting of measurements and flexibility tests...which of course consist of me being rather hands on...perhaps more hands on than usually found at the gym.
- To really feel things in the proper areas, I've found it helps to have my hands on the target muscle group(s). As you can imagine, this is interesting with chest exercises, or various squats/lunges.
- I'm quite certain that the aforementioned various squats and lunges work better with the aforementioned yoga pants no longer on you...be prepared. Not much sexier than a woman with just a tank top and sneakers on...

All in all, this should be FUN. I'm a normal guy, small biz owner - you'll probably LIKE me. But at the moment I'm just looking to have some guilt free fun...

This is no Jimmy.

There were no Jimmy's.  So my hiatus is back in effect.  Don't worry about the blog too much, though; I have a library of old horrifying stories that still need to be told.

Guest Post: Mesmerized by Your Ass-cot

Sometimes I think that I have bad dates, and then I speak to my friend, Scoops, and realize that my life could be much worse:  I could be going on her dates.  While she's totally awesome and funny, she's managed to go out with some real "winners," so I always beg her for stories for this blog.  On a recent morning, I received an e-mail titled, "I went on a date with a 12 year old."  I knew it was going to be a gem, and I was right:

I just realized that I have a shit ton of work to do, but I felt that reporting on last night's date was a first priority.  I am considering canceling my OKC account as a result.  Also, this is long, because I'm apparently very detail oriented when it comes to these things!

Last night, I went to see the Silver Linings Playbook, the new Bradley Cooper flick.  I highly recommend it! In fact, the movie was great, and I thoroughly enjoyed it despite the fact that the company made me want to hide in my down coat. 

I must admit, I was not thoroughly excited about meeting up with this fella.  The first date last Sunday was underwhelming, but I was willing to give him a second chance given that I've been on so many dates with so-called "cool hipster babes," and they've always ended up being douchey.  I arrived at the theater, and he was very happy to see me!  He gave me a very enthusiastic hug.  All I could notice, however, was his khaki pants that looked like they'd been purchased for him by his mother when he was in middle school.  About 4 to 5 inches too short.  He was also wearing Airwalks.  I try not to be so judgy about outfits these days, but high waters and cargo pants are a definite no-no!  Anyway, we went to buy tickets.  He paid, so he does get points for that. 

He noticed that I was carrying a book by one of my favorite authors, Tom Perrotta. I will also give him points for trying to engage in conversation about it, and even asking if he was the guy that wrote Little Children (another fabulous book in my opinion).  I said in fact it is, and he launched into anecdote that was incredibly boring.  I'm pretty sure I heard crickets chirping. 

Him: Fun fact. Tom Perrotta wrote that book after getting into a car accident on 495.

Me: Cool.

I really had nothing more to say to that as Little Children is about a woman so unhappy and resentful in her marriage that she has an emotional and physical affair with another man who is equally unhappy in his marriage.  Basically, that boring anecdote was neither here nor there. 

We go into the theater and are forced to chat before the previews begin.  He asked me how my weekend was.  I actually had a fabulous weekend, because I had a friend in town and had gone to a concert on Friday night.  In fact, my weekend was quite action-packed and full of delicious eats, booze, and dancing that I actually had something to say.  I then asked him what he did with his friend that had been visiting him:  the aquarium.

OK, I'm not saying the aquarium isn't cool or a great activity, but he had his best buddy from college visiting for approximately 48 hours, and all they did was go to the aquarium?  Again with the crickets chirping.  He did not mention a single other activity and thus made me feel: (1) like a bit more of a wild child than I really am and (2) kind of like an alcoholic. 

Other highlights:

Him:  I really like your...ascot?  Is that what that's called?

Me:  It's a scarf.

Him:  Oh.  I don't really know much about fashion.

Immediately after the lights went down, his arm was around my shoulder.  It was so obvious that he felt like that's what he was supposed to do that it made me cringe.  He also removed it 5 minutes later after realizing it was an uncomfortable position and then went for my hand.  He kept switching back and forth between the arm around the shoulder and the hand holding for the entire 2 hours of the movie, that I found it to be an annoying distraction! I know.  I'm being very hard on him, but I really just wanted to watch Bradley Cooper in all of his hotness and not deal with this awkward forced physical contact.  Throughout the entire movie I was even plotting how I was going to let him down easily at the end of the night, rather than my usual text message of "I'm sorry, I just didn't see any sparks". 

As he's walking me back to Park Street:

Him: I had a really great time with you tonight.

Me: Uh huh, me too.

Him: Awwwwwwwwwww.  You're shy!  You're blushing!  You're so cute.  I really like that.

Me: You know, I'm not really a shy person...

Him: Well, I would love to go out again.

Me: Sure... just get in touch.

I am the worst.  I couldn't even just grow a pair and gently spit in his face.  Oh well.  At least I have my planned text break-up!

She followed up with this G-Chat convo:

SCOOPS:  we saw a preview for the new tarantino movie
so i asked him if he liked him... just making conversation
and he was like... yea i do, but i really don't like that he uses so many references to pop culture--
(pop culture is my reason for living...so...there's that)
also, i felt really awkward making eye contact with him when we were sitting in the theater b/c we were sitting side by side
so i just didn't...and then he was like, oh are you really mesmerized by the commercials?

Pick Your Poison

Since I started this blog and confirmed that I am quite the online-dating veteran, I have been asked one question several times from various friends who are thinking about delving into the internets to find love:

Which site is the best?

This question is rich and complex, as everyone will have a different answer.  The opinions below are based on my experiences, and a more lucky lady/fella may have great luck on a site that I would describe as a pit of loneliness.  And trust me, ladies, you will find Captain Crazy and his League of Incredibly Disappointing Gentlemen, just as dudes will find a good amount of daddy issues and crazy cat ladies, on all your options, but I do think some sites have more winners for some. 

I'll start with where I started many years ago:  Match.  For me, Match has seemed to have the most legit characters.  Most of my dates have been with dudes from Match, but based on this blog, that may not be saying very much.  I enjoy that you can search based on height.  The pitfalls?  It's pricey, and more than once, I've forgotten to cancel my account before they've automatically charged my card to renew my membership. 

OKCupid is by far the most entertaining of the options.  Why?  Bulk.  OKCupid is free, so a lot of people use it... and when I say "people," I mean weirdos.  Most of the e-mails I post on this blog are from OKCupid.  To be fair, I have gone out with a dude or two from this site, and I really enjoy the quizzes, which help them match you to potential suitors.  This option also allows you to search based on height, a feature that many short male members don't seem to use.  I get so many messages from guys 5'9" and below on this site.

eHarmony is another popular option.  I am not a fan.  The reason why is a bit selfishly motivated.  You see, eHarmony doesn't consider height to be a dealbreaker.  In other words, even if I rank height above 6'0" as "very, very important," the site will still send me guys shorter than that... much shorter.  My guess is that they assume that height is too petty to be a dealbreaker.  However, it's not petty for little ol' me (pun intended)... it's practical.  Despite my experience, I do know some normal-sized friends who have had good luck on the site.

By far the WORST site I've ever tried was TallFriends.  I really should have known... The only men on this site are short dudes with tall-girl fetishes, which is just not for me.  It gives me the creeps.

As for the other options, I can't weigh in, but I will say that I've heard mixed reviews of JDate.  Part of me really wants to try ChristianMingle, only because the commercials are so corny.

What site do/did you use?  Answer the survey below, and comment on this post with your thoughts.

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