Guest Post: The Yellow Bastard

After a few beers on Sunday FunDay, I convinced a few single lady friends to be new guest post contributors. Here's a story from one of them.

This is my first and only Match experience in Chicago.

He was somewhat cute, seemed intelligent, and had pictures of himself with friends (a definite must to claim normalcy). His messages were a perfect mix of information and questions to keep the conversation going, and he seemed like he had a great sense of humor. So after a few days, he asked me to meet him at a pub for a drink. We lived on complete opposite sides of the city (~15 miles apart), and he picked a place that was very easy for me to get to, even though it was not easy for him. There was no awkwardness when we arrived, so we decided to have dinner too. Conversation was great. As we got close to dessert, his phone would not stop ringing (it was on vibrate), so he asked if it were ok if he checked who was calling. It was his mother, and he again asked permission to call her back since she had called so many times–all perfectly reasonable things to do. He called her back, mostly listened, and then said he would call her back tomorrow. He then excused himself from the table and was gone for over 20 minutes! He came back looking a little pale, said everything was fine, but was much quieter the rest of dinner. He walked me to the bus, asked if we could see each other again, and kissed me goodnight. Other than the long, inexplicable disappearance from the table, it was a great first date.

We planned for drinks only as a second date since we were both extremely busy during the next week. This time we picked a place that was centrally located between us. He immediately explained to me what happened at dinner. His mother's frequent calls were her calling to tell him that she had Stage 4 cancer with a life expectancy of about eight months. He then proceeded to cry uncontrollably in the bar, and I had no idea what to do. We decided to call it a night and agreed we would reschedule for a better time. It was not the right time for him to get to know someone new. He needed to spend time with his mom.

So fast forward to about two months, after no communication, he called me to ask if he could try for a third time to show me a better first date. His mom had found out that he was on a date when she told him and insisted that he still live his life as her "dying wish." That is not exactly easy to say no to, and since he was such a gentleman and extremely respectful about everything so far, I agreed. He asked me to meet him for dinner at one of my favorite restaurants and then to go to a theater show nearby. Dinner–unbeknownst to me–was his birthday celebration with a few of his friends. It was a bit awkward, but they were all nice people and seemingly had no delusions about our dating status.

Following dinner, the two of us went to the late show alone. Being March in Chicago, the weather was comfortably in the 50s when we arrived, but when we came out of the show 90 minutes later, there was a freak ice storm. There was ice everywhere to the point that police were closing roads, taxis were no longer driving, etc. Since the show was late and the ice was so bad, the train also had already stopped running. There was no way I was getting home (~15 miles away) until the roads were treated. 

He only lived a few blocks away, so we went to his place to wait for the roads to be cleared. His roommate was home, and we hung out with him for a while. I was freezing (I was not dressed for the unexpected 30 degree weather), so we went into his room to get a sweatshirt for me. I sat at his desk looking at some pictures that he had displayed, and when I turned around, he had his pants completely off. And I mean both boxers and pants off–shirt and socks still very much on. Note, at this point in time, we still had only kissed maybe twice and spent a total of less than 10 hours together! But the worst part was that what I saw was not normal in any way! Normally I would never share intimate details, but I was so caught off guard and creeped out by what I saw, I had to share with my closest friends to confirm that what I saw was in fact not normal. This is how he was nicknamed the Yellow Bastard.

To say the least, being stuck there for a few hours was insanely awkward, and we did not see each other again.

Dating Tip #4

If you're a member of Match, you know that the site provides you with Daily Matches, a group of potential mates that its "special algorithm" picks for you.  They claim that these matches are "personalized."  However, I believe that this "algorithm" is just a bored scientist throwing darts at a wall full of pictures of other Match members.  The logic seems minimal considering that as an EDITOR by trade, which is indicated in my profile, I have in the past received suggested matches with the following "About Me" sections:

Just someone fun gorgeous faithful that's down for what not stuck up at all like to be outside with ds weather its good and is will to let a man be a man and she can handle me down and she takes care of business

******

im a very nice guy looking for someone to chill and get to know them and go on dates. i would like to get merryed one day, one we go on dates and get to know eachother then go to the next step in to the dateing part xoxo

These atrocities on the English language bring us to my next dating tip:

Dating Tip #4:  Use Your Words Wisely

Imagine that you're going to a bar (or "da club") in the hopes of picking someone up, but the bar is the internets, an online dating site to be exact.  Instead of dressing in your finest threads, you want to write a description of yourself that is as attractive as possible.  Obviously, you don't want to lie, but form a complete sentence!!  Use proper grammar.  SPELL CHECK!!  Not doing these things is like not showering or failing to put on deodorant before you head out to mingle.  That run-on sentence is like not brushing your teeth, and that misspelled word is missing a button on your shirt.  Fellas, women like when you put in a little effort... and when they can understand what the hell you're saying.

Don't believe me?  Check out this article about a survey that found that 43% of singles find bad grammar to be a turnoff.

Guest Post: The Poetic Verses of Love

I love guest posts!  Not only do I get to take some time off from writing the bulk of my posts, but they also remind me that I am not the only one slogging through the trenches of online dating.  Last week, I got an e-mail from a friend; she has recently rejoined Match.com and has already received a "very special" e-mail.  I'd like to call it a poem of sorts.  Here's how she introduced it:

Read it out loud for full effect. Try not to pee yourself.

Here's the e-mail.

Hi,

I'd like to meet and begin a friendship
For a good positive talk, I consider myself a balanced man
I am looking for the love of my life, a woman initially with a good
friendship
I love looking after my body and mind through exercise and various sports
Lately I'm practicing tennis, hiking and visiting the naturaleza
Taking good habits and good costumbres and weigh my positive life
I like to dress as the occasion is and weekends with sportswear
To share the day with people, in harmony with life and nature
You are a very interesting person
In the paradise of your eyes,
I lose because I'm lost
at peace with your lips,
I feel that I am with you
in the universe of your soul,
I live a thousand ways
in you, live in love, dreaming of you
Have sweet dreams and I'm sending you a big hug

My Skype = XXXXXXX
Mail : XXXXX
@
Hotmail
com

I just peed a little.

Pick Your Poison

Since I started this blog and confirmed that I am quite the online-dating veteran, I have been asked one question several times from various friends who are thinking about delving into the internets to find love:

Which site is the best?

This question is rich and complex, as everyone will have a different answer.  The opinions below are based on my experiences, and a more lucky lady/fella may have great luck on a site that I would describe as a pit of loneliness.  And trust me, ladies, you will find Captain Crazy and his League of Incredibly Disappointing Gentlemen, just as dudes will find a good amount of daddy issues and crazy cat ladies, on all your options, but I do think some sites have more winners for some. 

I'll start with where I started many years ago:  Match.  For me, Match has seemed to have the most legit characters.  Most of my dates have been with dudes from Match, but based on this blog, that may not be saying very much.  I enjoy that you can search based on height.  The pitfalls?  It's pricey, and more than once, I've forgotten to cancel my account before they've automatically charged my card to renew my membership. 

OKCupid is by far the most entertaining of the options.  Why?  Bulk.  OKCupid is free, so a lot of people use it... and when I say "people," I mean weirdos.  Most of the e-mails I post on this blog are from OKCupid.  To be fair, I have gone out with a dude or two from this site, and I really enjoy the quizzes, which help them match you to potential suitors.  This option also allows you to search based on height, a feature that many short male members don't seem to use.  I get so many messages from guys 5'9" and below on this site.

eHarmony is another popular option.  I am not a fan.  The reason why is a bit selfishly motivated.  You see, eHarmony doesn't consider height to be a dealbreaker.  In other words, even if I rank height above 6'0" as "very, very important," the site will still send me guys shorter than that... much shorter.  My guess is that they assume that height is too petty to be a dealbreaker.  However, it's not petty for little ol' me (pun intended)... it's practical.  Despite my experience, I do know some normal-sized friends who have had good luck on the site.

By far the WORST site I've ever tried was TallFriends.  I really should have known... The only men on this site are short dudes with tall-girl fetishes, which is just not for me.  It gives me the creeps.

As for the other options, I can't weigh in, but I will say that I've heard mixed reviews of JDate.  Part of me really wants to try ChristianMingle, only because the commercials are so corny.

What site do/did you use?  Answer the survey below, and comment on this post with your thoughts.

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