Dating Tip #4

If you're a member of Match, you know that the site provides you with Daily Matches, a group of potential mates that its "special algorithm" picks for you.  They claim that these matches are "personalized."  However, I believe that this "algorithm" is just a bored scientist throwing darts at a wall full of pictures of other Match members.  The logic seems minimal considering that as an EDITOR by trade, which is indicated in my profile, I have in the past received suggested matches with the following "About Me" sections:

Just someone fun gorgeous faithful that's down for what not stuck up at all like to be outside with ds weather its good and is will to let a man be a man and she can handle me down and she takes care of business

******

im a very nice guy looking for someone to chill and get to know them and go on dates. i would like to get merryed one day, one we go on dates and get to know eachother then go to the next step in to the dateing part xoxo

These atrocities on the English language bring us to my next dating tip:

Dating Tip #4:  Use Your Words Wisely

Imagine that you're going to a bar (or "da club") in the hopes of picking someone up, but the bar is the internets, an online dating site to be exact.  Instead of dressing in your finest threads, you want to write a description of yourself that is as attractive as possible.  Obviously, you don't want to lie, but form a complete sentence!!  Use proper grammar.  SPELL CHECK!!  Not doing these things is like not showering or failing to put on deodorant before you head out to mingle.  That run-on sentence is like not brushing your teeth, and that misspelled word is missing a button on your shirt.  Fellas, women like when you put in a little effort... and when they can understand what the hell you're saying.

Don't believe me?  Check out this article about a survey that found that 43% of singles find bad grammar to be a turnoff.

Pick Your Poison

Since I started this blog and confirmed that I am quite the online-dating veteran, I have been asked one question several times from various friends who are thinking about delving into the internets to find love:

Which site is the best?

This question is rich and complex, as everyone will have a different answer.  The opinions below are based on my experiences, and a more lucky lady/fella may have great luck on a site that I would describe as a pit of loneliness.  And trust me, ladies, you will find Captain Crazy and his League of Incredibly Disappointing Gentlemen, just as dudes will find a good amount of daddy issues and crazy cat ladies, on all your options, but I do think some sites have more winners for some. 

I'll start with where I started many years ago:  Match.  For me, Match has seemed to have the most legit characters.  Most of my dates have been with dudes from Match, but based on this blog, that may not be saying very much.  I enjoy that you can search based on height.  The pitfalls?  It's pricey, and more than once, I've forgotten to cancel my account before they've automatically charged my card to renew my membership. 

OKCupid is by far the most entertaining of the options.  Why?  Bulk.  OKCupid is free, so a lot of people use it... and when I say "people," I mean weirdos.  Most of the e-mails I post on this blog are from OKCupid.  To be fair, I have gone out with a dude or two from this site, and I really enjoy the quizzes, which help them match you to potential suitors.  This option also allows you to search based on height, a feature that many short male members don't seem to use.  I get so many messages from guys 5'9" and below on this site.

eHarmony is another popular option.  I am not a fan.  The reason why is a bit selfishly motivated.  You see, eHarmony doesn't consider height to be a dealbreaker.  In other words, even if I rank height above 6'0" as "very, very important," the site will still send me guys shorter than that... much shorter.  My guess is that they assume that height is too petty to be a dealbreaker.  However, it's not petty for little ol' me (pun intended)... it's practical.  Despite my experience, I do know some normal-sized friends who have had good luck on the site.

By far the WORST site I've ever tried was TallFriends.  I really should have known... The only men on this site are short dudes with tall-girl fetishes, which is just not for me.  It gives me the creeps.

As for the other options, I can't weigh in, but I will say that I've heard mixed reviews of JDate.  Part of me really wants to try ChristianMingle, only because the commercials are so corny.

What site do/did you use?  Answer the survey below, and comment on this post with your thoughts.

Quizzes by Quibblo.com

Dating Tip #3

When I get a message from a dating site alerting me that a dude is intrested, there are a few things I check before I move forward with giving this would-be suitor a chance. 

First and foremost, I check out his height.  Some women do this because they are vain and tall-men stealers (you know who you are), but this is a matter of necessity for yours truely.

Second, I assess if he seems slightly attractive.  I believe that I have a wide range.  I give people a chance.

Finally, and closely related to my second criterion, I scope out his pictures.  How do I judge his pictures beyond an analysis of attractiveness?  I check to see if he has any pictures that he has taken of himself in the mirror with his camera phone and/or in front of his computer with a web cam.

If he does, he's deleted.

Which brings us to:

Tip #3:  Do not post camera phone/web cam self-portraits.

Similarly:

• Do not look away into the distance instead of into the camera (this isn't MySpace 7 years ago).
• Do NOT post a headless ab shot.  I'll assume two things: (1) it's not you and/or (2) you're a horrible tool.
• Do not take pictures of yourself in the bathroom at work.  I have seen this a number of times.
• Do not take pictures in YOUR bathroom at home.  I don't need to know that you have a pink loofah at this stage in the relationship.

Why?  Those types of pictures lead me to assume that you have no normal pictures, which in turn impels me to gather that you have no life and no friends.  You SHOULD have pictures of yourself in some capacity.  Throw up that pic of you and Nana at her 90th birthday.  Post that shot of you and your brother at his bachelor party (but not the one with you and the stripper!!).  Upload a picture that paints you in a good light...

As opposed to the poor overhead lighting of your company's men's bathroom or the bluish hue of your computer screen.

Dating Tip #2

The digital age is pretty screwed up. Sometimes when I'm bored or embracing my hipster/hippie side, I start to overanalyze just how creepy it is that we all overexpose ourselves online.

Online dating is especially odd. Unlike Facebook, other online daters who see my profile are meant to be complete strangers. In fact, when I realize that someone I know has happened upon my dating profile, I am utterly embarrassed. I'd prefer STRANGERS to peruse the details that I share about my life and my most flattering pictures. And if one of those total strangers contacts me, after a few e-mails, I'm sharing my hometown, my neighborhood in the city, and my profession, all with someone who could really be ANYONE: a small child, an old man, a total creeper.

Yea... it's weird.

Sure, putting yourself out there is always going be a little scary. And you have to be smart about the whole thing. Creepers are usually pretty good at giving off a "vibe," and just like in real-life dating, you gotta trust your instincts about people.

But a word of advice to the dudes out there...

Dating Tip #2: Don't be a total (obvious) stalker!!

If you're gonna stalk my ass, at least do it on the DL. Don't let me know that you're stalking me!! That's a great way to have me running for the hills.

For example, a while back, I started e-mailing back and forth with a guy who I wasn't too jazzed about, but I decided to give him a chance. His e-mails were rather interview-like, to the extent that he would list out multiple questions for me to answer. Literal numbered lists. After reading one of his e-mails, I closed down my computer and decided to write back when/if I had more time/energy.

Hours later, I had this message:

well looking forward to hearing back :)

I should interject and let you know that OKCupid will sometimes let you know when someone's viewed your profile. So this guy saw I was online, saw that I read his message/looked at his profile, and then wrote me a message when I didn't respond right away.

DUDE. CHILL! Did he think that sending me that message was going to make me want to e-mail him back? If anything, it put the nail into the coffin. A few days later I got another message:

Should I assume you've lost interest? haha

HAHA YES!

Dating Tip #1

I made a decision today. This blog can't be all negativity and cynicism. If I were to only publicly humiliate the anonymous gentlemen who make utter fools of themselves in pursuing me via e-mail or on awkward first dates, then I would be a cruel and insensitive bitch. I must show these lost souls to the light of normal human behavior and social correctness.

Therefore, I shall offer words of wisdom to my audience (all 10 of you). Sure, some of you might find these tips as obvious as Kim Kardashian's divorce, but trust me, there are LOADS of dudes that I interact with who have no clue.

So I shall begin with my first tip, which is in no way the most important nor is it related to the most egregious mistakes that I've seen. I only thought of it after a recent e-mail exchange with a potential suitor.

#1: ASK SOME DAMN QUESTIONS.

We're complete strangers and conversing with you via e-mail is extremely awkward and forced. I need you to give me something to work with here. You know how I asked you 15 questions in my last e-mail on everything from your favorite movies to your preferred super power if you were to magically to become a super hero (yes I've asked that). Yea... That was all for a reason. I want to give you something to write back about. I want to get to know you. And probably most importantly, I want to make sure you aren't a total crazy. That's the whole point of this. When you answer back and ask me nothing in return, I'm not really sure what to do. I assume you want me to e-mail you, or you would never have answered me. But what am I supposed to say? "Yea... Inception is pretty awesome..." "Haha... Invisibility would be pretty 'sweet.'" But then what? I don't want to come off as totally self-involved and instantly talk about myself. That's rude. And your inability to ask me anything at all about myself makes you out to be completely self-involved.

So dudes, TRY. Ask me about my job. Ask me if I like the new Bon Iver album. Ask me to pick my favorite Power Ranger (pink, DUH). Just ask me something.